Cash's First Christmas

We started a few new traditions this year: 1. Prime Rib for Christmas dinner. 2. Christmas is for our family only. We will stay home and in our pj's all day. 3. Dad will make breakfast burritos.

Cash was blessed with lots of toys this year. Santa brought a jungle gym with a swing, a slide and a ball pit. Dad stayed up until 4am putting it together. We also got him a Baby's First Christmas ornament, bathtub toy holder, a recordable book titled I'll love you Forever and an elephant that blows balls out of his nose. Papa Tiger and NeeNaw got him a dinosaur he can ride on and push. Aunt Lil K got him an aquarium toy that you put fish in and a train that rides on a track. Aunt Big K got him a dog with a string he can pull and a blow up horse. Granny and Papa got him a keyboard, a leap frog musical book, a book called "the going to bed book", camo socks and boots and a toy cell phone. Santa put bubbles, pacifiers, a toy car, a candy cane and a sippy cup in his stocking! Lil J sent a Leap Frog fridge toy that he adores! Grandma and Grandpa Bliss got him a ball that rolls all by itself and does music and a set of sesame street books.

We are going to have to finish his play room tomorrow so we can put all his toys in there. There are too many to fit in the living room! On a sad not I took all his "baby" toys out he doesn't play with anymore. So sad :(

Sleep

For about 6 weeks Cash would wake up between 1-4 for a bottle. I went to the pediatrican for his 9 month check up and she told me to give him water when he wakes up. That very night he started sleeping through the night again. The past week he has stopped taking long naps. Now in the morning he will wake up at 8 and take a nap at 11 and sleep until 1l. Then he will be super tired in the afternoon but won't nap and won't go to sleep until 11. One night I had to put him in the car and drive around. It has driven me to my breaking point. Two nights in a row I have broke down and cried. Today I added a nap at 3 and he slept until 6. It's now 10pm and he is asleep. I guess it's back to the "sleep when he sleeps" thing we did when he was a newborn. Ugh. I an exhausted all the time. NOT tired, exhausted. I wake up at 5am, drive and hour, work 12.5 hours, drive and hour home and P doesn't understand why I'm so tired and don't want to stay up with Cash so he can go to sleep to work the next day. We constantly argue about who gets to sleep. I love that kid more than life itself but lack of sleep really leaves me with little patience. His lack of sleep makes him really whiney and all he wants you to do is hold him. Hopefully this is just a stage and once he is off the bottle things will be better.

Few and Far between

I don't think anyone reads this blog but I still feel the need to apologize for the few and far between posts. You see working 3 12 hour shifts with 2 hours of driving a day plus call and weekends is kicking my butt. I had the worst week ever and am thankful for the best husband ever. He stepped in and took care of Cash while I was at class, studying for a test I failed, got mad because I failed the test, worked the next 2 days then was on call this weekend and by Sunday I was very sick and thought I was going to die. He got my nyquil and ice cream and only griped a little. Cash is growing by leaps and bounds. He is standing by himself when he has something particularly interesting in his hands. The pediatrician sent a checklist of developmental milstones and if he is doing the things on the list. So far so good. He waves hi and bye bye and will repeat noises back and forth with you. He crawls so fast when he wants to go somewhere that he knows he isn't supposed to be going. Still no teeth though. He is walking around on everything but won't let go. He had a great Thanksgiving at granny and papa's house. He ate all kinds of stuff and LOVES pumpkin pie! He cried everytime I took it away. What can I say the kid knows good food when he tastes it. Getting ready for Christmas and just put up the tree after Cash went to sleep tonight. Don't know how long the ornaments will stay on but oh well. It's officially winter here in Texas. Temps in the 30's and 40's. Very cold. It even snowed a little this morning! I am ready after the scortching summer we had. Hopefully it will snow and Cash can enjoy it. It won't be his first snow as it was a blizzard the weekend after he was born. LOTS of snow and ice. First birthday pictures are this Friday. I am SO excited!

The poop fiasco.

So, I was a bad mom today.

Cash woke from his nap. I removed his diaper and put him in his crib. I like to let his bottom breathe every once in a while so I left his diaper off. I jumped in the shower. I was in for about 7 minutes. Before I even dried off I checked on him. He was sitting so quietly looking at something in his hands. I got closer and saw turds and then the poop on his hands and on his toys. I checked his mouth and sure enough poop in his mouth. I stripped his onesie off and threw him in the bathtub. Keep in mind I am naked and wet from the shower still. I cleaned his mouth and him then called posion control. Why poison control? I didn't know if it is dangerous to eat your own poop.

By the way I was told as long as it's your own poop you should be fine. You may barf but you should be ok. And the lady didn't think it was weird that my child had eaten his own poop.

Changes

We went to a co-workers wedding on Friday. It was a great party and Cash had a wonderful time. He was held and loved and got to stay up late. Everyone adored him. My boss danced and loved on him most of the night. Another co-worker commented about how good he was. He didn't cry or get fussy until he got hungry when we left. I was very proud of my big boy. Cash also took off walking with his push toy today and I actually got it on video. He will be walking in no time. One of his favorite things is when I get on my hands and knees and crawl to him. It make him go wild. He starts bouncing and smiling and gets very excited. It makes my heart swell. Big changes at P's work. He is no longer able to work 12 hour shifts so, he will now be working 30 hours per week and will no longer get a vacation. He probobly will no longer be the assistant manager either. This means he will probobly not get a raise either. The new owners no longer do 401k either. Real bummer all around. I will probobly have to start working 3-13hr shifts to make up for what he isn't able to work anymore. We will make sacrifices so that we will continue to have family time. We think that is really important for our relationship and for Cash. It's going to get hairy when I work weekends though. We are going to have to get baby sitters. Probobly P's mom and my sis Lil K. The only problem with that is that they are both so far away. Cash's halloween costume came in the other day. Lil J did such a great job! Cash has grown since we measured though and P's mom is going to have to alter it a bit. It's a unique funny and scary costume and I can't wait to take some pictures in it! We are going to do the Safe Spook at the local businesses in town since it is before dark and Cash can't eat the candy anyway.

A little update

Not much going on in our world. Just chasing Cash around and making sure he doesn't hit his head (too hard) on the floor. Making sure when he pulls up on something (because that's all he does now-a-days) that it doesn't fall and hit him in his head. And making sure he isn't eating something he shouldn't. He is 8 months old now and waves at things but not when you tell him "hi" or "bye bye". He has been on car trips to Waco to see my dad and step mom and to First Monday. He did great in the car each time and usually just falls right asleep. He doesn't like riding in the back when it's dark though and will scream his lungs out. He won't sleep in his crib for anything and I got some great advice from my 45 year old step sister: Don't worry about it and worry his baby hood away making him sleep in his crib. She said it won't hurt him by not sleeping in his crib. So guess what? I'm not going to try to make him sleep in there any more. When he is ready, he will sleep in his own bed. Until then, CUDDLE TIME! He is still fighting his sleep from time to time and has to be rocked. P has that duty. My back can't handle it since I had Cash. He is in some of his 12 month clothes and growing like a weed! Lil J is making his Halloween costume and shipping it from WA and I can't wait to post a picture of his costume!! Hopefully we will get to go Trick or Treating with cousin A but if not if will be local business Trick or Treating during the day time. I just want to show off his awesome costume anyway since he can't eat the candy. We are starting to give him table foods like bread and crackers and he loves it! He has began to eat chicken baby food but won't pick up food and put it his mouth yet. He just smushes it. Still no teeth, but I'm not worried. They will come, eventually. Just had to get up and get Cash before he put a screw in his mouth from the A/C vent. You gotta be on your toes at all time with that little guy! Well, I think that sums it up to this point. Gotta go make a bottle!

7 months 3 weeks

Since Cash started crawling then days later standing all he wants to do is stand, on everything. Toy baskets, shelves, fireplace hearth, speakers, wipes box, push toy, high chair, the couch, our legs...EVERYTHING! It's pretty funny to watch and nerve racking at the same time. He has hit his head so many times I have lost count. P and I are professionals at watching for concussions. I just had to stop typing because Cash tried to grab a baby gate leaning against the wall and it fell on his head and scared him. He is into everything all the time. Still no teeth. I swear the last 2 days he has been teething though because he has been SO grumpy. Screaming, cry, fight his sleep. He wants to be held all the time and doesn't even like his stroller. He is saying Mama and Dada but not really to either of us. We are practicing waving but he hasn't figured it out just yet. We are also teaching "NO" but he hasn't gotten that one yet either. He's not interested in his jumper of walker anymore and cries when we try to put him in it. He is 7 months and 3 weeks old and growing up way too fast for this Mama!

my lil explorer

Cash has been crawling for 8 days. He is following me all over the house. He wants to go into the bathroom in particular and get into the dog bowls. He drags one leg and puts the other one straight out. He is so fascinating to watch him discover things. He will focus on one little piece of something on the ground and stay there for 10 mintues trying to pick it up. He is more steady and falls less. He pulled himself up on my Big J's couch Friday and today I was on Pinterest, looked over and he is standing beside his walker with one had on it and the other grabbing at his pacifier in his mouth. That boy is going to be walking in no time. I guess this is where everything starts to whiz by in the blink of an eye.

Hey that rhymed.

The worst nightmare I could ever possibly have

I had a terrible dream last night.
I don't know how it happened but Cash died. I was so grief stricken I can't even describe the pain I felt. I don't know where P was. It was like I was all alone. I was going around the city doing something but it seemed like aimless driving. I kept picturing Cash in my head. It was pictures of him smiling and being happy. It made me smile but cry at the same time. I was telling someone, so much for his having to get his handprint at one year. It seemed like P but it wasn't him. Maybe it was a friend I was with. I don't remember any faces except mine and Cash's.

I woke up thinking about this horrible dream. It made me kiss him a little more and appreciate him even more. Maybe this happened because I have been getting frustrated with his crying and fighting his sleep lately. Maybe it was God's way of saying, "Hey! Look what you have! It could be a lot worse and you could not have him at all! I gave him to you for a reason and be more patient with him!" Well, I gotta tell you it worked.

Why?

Why do babies fight their sleep so much? There has got to be a scientific explanation out there somewhere.

Why can't Cash sleep in his crib? It's not Mommy and Daddy. He has cried for 2 hours straight and won't go to sleep. When you finally pick him up he does that "Ive been crying too much and can't breathe" thing that kids do.

Why does Cash have to shove his hand in your mouth to go to sleep?

Why don't I have more patience sometimes?

Why do P and I bicker about the most retarded things sometimes?

Why are we broke all the time?

My apologies.

It has been almost a month since I have written! Wow. Between Cash and work and doctors appointments and housework I have no time to do anything else. I work 3 12 hour shifts a week. I get up at 5am, drive an hour to work, get off at 7:30 an get home at 8:30. I play with Cash, eat dinner and then get him ready for bed. I'm lucky to get in bed by 10pm each night. It is very exhausting for both P and I but it saves us daycare costs which we can't afford. Hell, we can barely afford anything now-a- days. I really don't know where all our money goes. Each of our paychecks are already spent before we get them. We don't eat out or go to movies or dates anymore. Diapers, formula, wipes and clothes and toys must be the culprit. Our savings is dwindling as well due to the purchase of our new floors and we have no money to replace what we take out of savings. P and I both working 4 ours less a week has really taken a toll on our wallets. We even talked about turning off the satellite but have yet to do so.

Cash is almost 7 months old. When I think of a 7 month old I think of a big kid! That is closer to one year old than not. I'm going to try not to give up on making his baby food but now that he needs meat and more grains it's going to get harder and more time consuming. He gets frustrated with a sippy cup and will try it but gives up. P has spoiled him rotten. He wants to be held ALL THE TIME. He is 100% sitting up on his own. He will roll from side to side. He will get in crawling position and go to his belly then after about 5 minutes he is screaming. He can go 360 degrees on his belly but thats about it. He won't sleep in his baby bed. Most of the time he goes to sleep pretty good if you lay beside him on the bed but he will still get over tired and fight you so bad! He does this weird thing when you are getting him to sleep; he has to have his fingers in your mouth or grabbing your lips. It's quite annoying when his fingernails are long. Hopefully he will out grow this. He sits up in the cart and high chairs at resturants all by himself. He loves drinking water you give him from a straw. He is becoming himself more and more each day. Sigh...

I can't believe it's been almost a month since I have written anything. I have been busy working and trying to stay out of the heat. Cash is getting bigger and sitting up on his own. He holds his bottle (when he feels like it). He is easily destracted and amused just like his Mama! He loves being held and doesn't like being alone. We have tried a few more times to get him to sleep in his crib but he won't have it. I hate sitting there watching the monitor and seeing his tears streaming down his face. I cave everytime. Oh well, he will be grown before I know it so I'm enjoying it. He has had lots of baby food and loves everything, peas, pears and bananas seem to be his favorite. He is drinking 3-4 8 oz bottles a day. He loves to have blowout poopie diapers and get poop everywhere! He has done this countless times.

I am going to take a mini photography session with a local photographer. She offered a 4 hour class to the first 10 people on Facebook that responded and I got a spot! It is just to show you the basics of your camera and how to take better pictures of your kids. I have been searching the internet for this exact thing and haven't found a single offering. I am beyond escatic! I also won a 1/2 price session that I will use for Cash's one year pictures. I am so excited about both because she is such an amazing photographer! I'm also ready to use my really expensive camera to it's fullest capacity!

Here is a picture that my niece took yesterday. I told her she needs to become a photographer because she has great persepective.

Oh what a night.

Apparently we only thought Cash was teething before. Last night was horrible!! He passed out around 9pm. We put him right to bed and he slept until 11pm. He proceeded to wake up SCREAMING every 1-2 hours! We gave him bottle and rocked him and cuddled him and he just wouldn't go back to sleep. We finally ended up giving him Tylenol about 7am and he went right to sleep until 11am. He has had a few "screaming for no reason" episodes already. His cold teething ring quieted him and now he is playing with his toys quietly. I'm now wondering if it was gas pains too. He has passed gas generously for the past few hours. I don't know what it was but I hope it doesn't repeat tonight. It reminded us of that first month and it wasn't fond memories!

Our growing boy.

We took Cash out to eat with us tonight. I really realized how much he is growing. First off he HATES his carrier with a passion. I hate it too. It is so heavy. As soon as he can sit up full time on his own (he is almost there) we are switching to his big boy car seat. He can't sit in a high chair yet so he stays in his carrier when we go eat. He is starting to catch on that his seat is boring and he only gets one view: my side. Well in the restaraunt he starts fussing. P holds him in his lap and he plays with his toy. He gets tired of that toy easily. He will grab and take anything in his reach and put it straight into his mouth. He had a hunk of bread, the paper from the bread basket, napkins, his toy, his ring toy. He tired to grab my fork and my drink anytime they were near. You really have to be on your toes around this kid. He is so curious and full of energy. He ate a whole jar of peas there and loved them! He liked them more than sweet potatoes which is weird. We had little green balls of peas everywhere. I ordered a cart/high chair cover today in preparation of him sitting up and I can't wait. It's tiring holding him and trying to eat with one hand.

I love to watch him

I sit here watching Cash smiling and laughing at one of our dogs that is licking herself. Now, he is trying to eat a pillow that is in front of him. Earlier he was trying desperately to get a tag off of a toy. He was so patient and intense. He is sitting up so good now with only a little support. He cried a minute ago when I walked out of the room. He turned 5 months on Monday and he is growing so fast! I didn't think it was possible but I love him more and more every single day. He is addicted to bananas and cries when we take away his frozen banana the other day. Tonight we try sweet potatoes!!

Lord Have Mercy

LORD HAVE MERCY I love my little boy. I watch him grow more and more each day and it blows my mind how fast he learns things. I wonder where all the time has gone. I don't remember him as a teeny tiny 6pds 14oz. I lay beside him and wait for him to go to sleep and I stare at his chubby little hands moving all over the place until he relaxes and all I do is think, "he is mine, this baby is mine. I created him inside of me. I have never loved anyone the way I love him". I pray everyday that God keeps him healthy, doesn't take him away from me prematurely and I don't have to leave him prematurely. I can't wait to see what kind of person he will be and hopefully I can teach him how to be a kind, giving and honest person. I thank God that he brought me P because I couldn't raise him without him. He is the most hardworking, selfless person I know. I know without a doubt he would do anything for me and Cash.

LORD HAVE MERCY I am truly blessed.

I think I can I think I can

Cash rolled over by himself twice and now he could care less about rolling over.

He tries to pull himself to a sitting position but doesn't have enough strength to sit up.

Cash has been teething since he was 3 months old but still hasn't broken a tooth.

He's getting pretty good at holding his bottle but he's not professional yet.

He would rather stand than sit.

I'm not ready for him to be a big boy just yet.

I love

I love being drenched in drool.
I don't mind being spit up on.
Poopy diaper blowouts make me laugh.
Pee fountains crack me up.
I love the instantaneous ceasing of crying as soon as that nipple gets close to his mouth,
It makes me smile every time I hear him squeal.
When he smiles at me, my heart skips a beat.
When he laughs, I laugh harder.
The way he opens his mouth for a kiss when my face gets close to his makes my heart melt.
I'm truly at peace when I put my mouth on his and he closes his eyes just a little and he is so still.
He never ceases to amaze me with his discoveries everyday and how fast he is growning.

I love him like I have never, could never, will never ever love someone.

So What, Who cares?

I got to watch my nephew graduate from high school tonight. I was so proud of him. He did it despite being really behind from skipping school and he and his girlfriend had a baby together last summer. There was a family there that lost their daughter in a car accident earlier in the year and came to accept her diploma. The mother was crying so hard and I couldn't even look at her because I would have started crying. All I could do was put myself in her shoes and I don't know what I would do if I ever lost Cash. I think this all the time now that I am a mother.

I get teased a lot by family members that Cash is a "mama's boy" and that he is spoiled. Who cares? Yes, he will be spoiled. I mean he is totally worth it! So what if he's a Mama's Boy? What's so bad about him loving his mother? He can sleep with me forever if he wants because how do I know it won't be the last time?

Our Happy Family

Not much going on here lately. Work, work, work. I was sick for a week. I was sick at the end of April too. I think it is lack of sleep and I just can't fight off an illness like I used to. Thankfully I wasn't contagious and Cash nor P got sick.

I am trusting P a little more each time he stays with C. One night when I was sick, C was very fussy (I think he is teething again) and P had to get up with him. He was very impatient with him and cursing a lot. He said that was the most impatient he has ever been. If so I don't have to worry when he is alone with him so much.

C is growing so much. We had a follow up cardiologist appointment and he said his biggest hole was 2mm 3 months ago and now it is 0.5mm. I have high hopes they will be all closed up when we go back in 6 months. He weighed 15pds! I'm pretty sure that is right on track. We go for his 4 month check up next week which means more shots BOO. He is sitting up more sturdy when I prop him up so this means cereal and baby food soon! I can't wait because bottles are getting on my nerves and formula is super expensive. He is making lots of noises and cooing and shrieking. It makes me happy. He will purse his lips and blow spit out as he makes noises. SO cute! He grabs at anything you put in front of him and puts it straight into his mouth. He is in size 3 diapers already. I have a whole box of size 2 I didn't even get to use. I think I'm going to try to take them back to Wal-Mart. I have only had to buy one package of newborn diapers since he was born. I have been very blessed to get so many in my 2 baby showers!

P and I have finally gotten used to our work pattern. We have Fridays off together which is great! We need that day off together to get things done around the house, like mow and car maintinace that we can't do when we are alone with C. 12 hour shifts turn into 14 for P and with my 1 hour drive each way mine turn into 17. We are super tired but it is worth it to each be able to stay home and raise our son! We were really against day care and are very lucky that we don't have to send him!

A nap will cure everything

I worked yesterday. I got a text from P at 1:45 asking when I get off because C "has been fussy all day". I didn't get off until 7pm. I hate when that happens. I am so afraid P is going to loose control and do only God knows what when I'm not home. When I got home C had scratches all over his face. C scratches his face when he gets mad and mainly when he is really sleepy. He likes to fight his sleep a lot. For some reason P doesn't know how to put him to sleep, so C doesn't sleep. He will sleep in 10 minute intervals. Well no freakin wonder he is crying all day! C also eats 5-6oz every 4-5 hours, P feeds him 4 oz every 2-3 hours. How is C ever going to sleep when he is eating every 2 hours? P just doesn't get it. It is so frustrating. When I try to talk to P about it he thinks I'm just telling him what a bad job he does and what a great job I do. That is not what I am doing what so ever; I just want to figure out what he does differently. C is so tired and miserable when I come home from work. When C and I are together we have a fantastic time! We play and take naps. He only cries when he is in the carseat. He hates his carseat. I wish I could feel comforable when C is alone with P, but I don't know if I will be for a long time.

Mother's Day.

It's my first Mother's Day. I feel sad and selfish. I got to spend the whole day with Cash and I am happy for every single second I get to spend with him. My mom hasn't been a mom, P's mom is going out of town and my step-mom lives in southern Texas. So, I have been alone. I got texts and Facebook messages that wished me Happy Mothers Day. They were all really nice but they didn't make me feel special. I guess it all boils down to P not making me feel special. It feels like any other day. I hope to get a card I can keep and put into Cash's baby book but I doubt I will even get that. I guess I shouldn't expect this to be different than any other special occasion. P had never been good at making my birthday special. I usually always end up buying my own gifts and he has never thrown me a party or organized friends to go out for my birthday. I just thought this would be different...

This is only the beginning.

So the past couple of weeks C has been in love with his fingers and hands. At first I thought he found his hands. Then he proceeded to shove his hand so far in he would gag himself. I thought it was too early to start teething. This week he has stopped sleeping through the night. He will wake up at 1 or 2am crying. He is restless a lot in his sleep. Well I posted this on Facebook and someone else mentioned he is probobly teething. P told me today he has been super fussy and crying a lot. Sure enough when I get home all he does is cry. He seems so uncomfortable. I got him some baby orajel and it helped some but I think I'm going to have to break down and give him the Tylenol I bought him as well. Nobody is getting any sleep around here. Tomorrow is supposed to be my great niece K's first birthday party and if he is acting like this we aren't going. It is about a 50 min drive and I won't be able to handle him non stop screaming in the car all the way there. He hates his carseat and cries anyway so add teething in and it is enough to drive this Mama crazy!

Happy Nurses Day!

Thought I would share a couple of cool pictures.

Routine

Kinda getting settled into a routine around here. P and I have worked it out so that we get one day off a week together except when I'm on call on my pre-scheduled weekends. It helps that C sleeps through the night. We actually get some rest around here. P doesn't have that natrual instinct like I do and C can sense it. At the end of the day when I work P begs me to get home quickly cause he needs a break. He loves his Mama what can I say? When I'm at work I miss him so much! I want to kiss him, cuddle him and hug him so bad!

C is getting so big! He is laughing smiling and rolling over onto his side. He will sit up for about 1 second without help. As soon as he sits up we are starting baby food! I can't stand making bottles anymore or washing those stinkin bottles! I need to start researching baby food recipes to use in my Baby Bullet that I got brand new for $60!

Busy Busy Busy

First full week of 12 hour shifts at work. It wasn't really that bad. The day's went by pretty fast and so did the week. Cash slept through the night each day so I felt rested when I got up. I hope this pattern keeps up! I worry the whole time I am gone though. I am so afraid P is loosing his patience with him and something terrible has happened. Sometimes I get that feeling and I call and he doesn't answer then I worry even more :/ I try to relax and he always calls me back eventually. I don't know why I worry. When I get home from work I swear he has gained weight and grown longer by inches. He just looks so dang big! Each morning when I leave for work I sit a minute by his sleeper and look at him and tell him how much I love him and will miss him while I'm at work. I love that little boy with everything I have in me! He is going to roll over at any minute. He will dig his heels into the carpet, pick his butt up and tilt to the side. He can't quite make it though. P brought up a good point today, "I don't know what he is going to do when he gets over there" because he hates tummy time! He will tolerate it for about 3 minutes and he is done. He is a funny little guy. He is also starting to laugh! I do this thing where I will look up and then back down and make a noise and it will make him laugh and smile everytime. It melts my heart every time.

The gift of motherhood

Mothering instinct.

Such a fascinating concept to me. I had my first nephew when I was 12. My first niece when I was 15 and 3 others since. I moved in with my sister when I was 15 so my nephew and I were super duper close. We shared a room and slept together. I told him stories everynight and would take him everywhere with me. I did the same with my niece. I loved them like you wouldn't believe. My other 3 nieces came along and I loved them so much. I loved being an aunt. They would come over on weekends and holidays and we would do all kinds of fun stuff. Sno-Cones for breakfast, movies and popcorn, going to the park and shopping. The best part was that you could give them back when you were tired! I didn't think I could love anyone more than I loved those 5 kids.

Then I became a mother.

You spend all those months with a baby growing inside of you, changing your body so much. I would spend hours talking to my husband about how we were going to discipline him and how we would raise him, the lessons and values we would instill in him. Then when he was born and I looked into his eyes and him into mine some light bulb inside of me that had never been turned on lit up inside me. Suddenly you knew true love. You had this love that lay dormant inside of you wake up and take over your body. You immediately knew a new language-baby language. You could understand his cries and body language. You could feel his pain and uncomfortableness and his happiness. Nothing makes your heart skip a beat like the first time he smiles at you. He doesn't know any of the selfish mean things you have done in your life and he smiles at you because you make him happy. He wants to be close to you and held and just knows you are his mom. You make him calm just by being his mother.

Pee and poop become wet and stinky not the grossest things you have ever seen. Spit up becomes part of your outfit and his slobber is melted sugar juice. When he hurts you hurt 100 times more. You would do anything and sacrifice anything for him. You are only happy when he is happy.

It's funny how much becoming a mother changes you. I would have never expected my life you transform into something so beautiful and wonderful when I had my amazing son.

Back to work

Wednesday was my first day back to work. I missed C more than he missed me! P was really good about making me feel at ease. He sent a picture, a video and text messages throughout the day. They really made me feel better. Thursday I hardly worried at all. I was so tired at the end of each day! My feet and back killed me. I haven't worked a normal shift since November. I am so glad to be able to do normal things again like push stretchers and beds, fit on the elevator with a stretcher, lift and move patients and recover a patient normally. I can bend and move without my hips and/or back aching all day. Hell, I can walk without my hips and/or back killing me! I don't feel guilty for not being able to be a team player anymore. My boss is really working with me on my schedule and I only have to work one Friday a month! Friday is going to be our family day where P and I are both off together. This will really be beneficial when C gets older. I think a healthy childhood, adolecense and adulthood all hinge upon having both of your parents actively participating in your life.

I have to get used to 12 hours shifts again. I have to drive an hour each way so my days actually turn into 18 hour days. C has been really good at sleeping through the night since we started cereal. (I know it's too early but it's only 1.5 tsp so don't get your panties in a wad). I come home play with C and love on him then scarf some food down, feed C and then put him to bed. Both nights I worked he didn't go down until 10pm-11pm but that's ok cause he doesn't wake up till 5am. P and I both get up at 5am to get ready for work anyway. But I have to tell you it just felt very right and normal to be home with him today. Motherhood is such a weird thing.

It's not about me anymore.

Being sick is the pits. Being sick with a newborn is worse. I mean you can't lay in bed all day and eat chicken soup. My favorite thing to do when I'm sick is whine. Now when I'm sick I get to change poopy diapers while I'm nauseated. Now I get to mix a bottle with my nose running. Now I get to hope my constant sneezing isn't going to wake C from his nap. And worst of all I have to refrain from kissing every inch of his face with my sore throat and hoarse voice because I really don't want to get my sweet boy sick.

With a heavy heart...

My niece K's 2 month old baby sister whom she never met unexpectedly died this morning. Usually I would have said, "oh how sad", but now that I have C and he is about the same age I can't quit thinking about it. The story my sister told me is that K's dad had taken the baby to her mom to let her feed. While feeding, milk suddently started coming out of the baby's nose, mouth and eyes and she stopped breathing. One of their neighbors was a volunteer fireman and he came over, performed CPR and revived her but momentarilly. When the ambulance came the baby's dad (K's dad) had to carry her limp body to the ambulance. They tried for 27 minutes to revive her but were unsuccessful in doing so. She was taken to the hospital and pronounced her dead. The baby's dad (K's dad) wasn't allowed to go to the hospital due to police questioning. He was unable to hold her for one last time and say goodbye. They spent all day making funeral arrangements and K's dad had to sell his vehicle just to afford a burial plot. The funeral home is giving them discounts, I guess because she was just a baby. One theory is that she aspirated and passed away. An autopsy will be performed.

My heart breaks for them as I can't imagine loosing C. He is my whole life and I can't imagine it without him. I worry now more than ever that something like that may happen to him. I have to trust in God that he will protect him, keep him healthy and keep him here on earth with me for many more decades to come.

He's going to miss me.

I was looking over an email I was sent when I was approved for FMLA. It said I was approved for FMLA from January 25th to April 18th. I was under the impression I was supposed to return to work on April 25th. Are you kidding me? It was my mistake. C's original due date was January 29th but whe Dr. D was filled out my FMLA request sheet she put my due date January 25th. I never changed it in my head that I would have to go back a week early. The thing is my boss only knew what I told her. I tossed the idea back and forth in my head whether or not I should call and tell her. I made the decision to do the right thing because I didn't want to get in trouble with upper management and I didn't want to get my boss in trouble either. I called her and made a deal I would go back Wednesday instead of Monday. I just wasn't prepared to go back a week early and Wednesday is better than Monday.

I am getting anxious about going back too. P doesn't have as much patience as I do and I'm afraid of what will happen when I'm not here. I am also afraid C is going to cry more than usual because he is going to miss me. I will be gone 14.5 hours a day (or more depending on if I have to be on call that day). I have been with him 24/7 since the day he was born and he is going to know I'm gone. I will probobly cry the day before I go to work and on my way to work that day. Hopefully it will get a little easier with time...

Visitors!

So Lil J and her kiddos stayed the night last night. C absolutely loves her! He was so calm and comfortable in her arms. She fed him and burped him and he was falling asleep while burping! It was the cutest thing. She had the best way of calming him down and know just how to hold him to make him feel safe. It made me feel like I was doing it all wrong when he cried for 2 hours straight tonight. I don't know if it was reflux or gas as we gave him meds for both about the same time. I hate giving him the gas drops because it make him poop like 3 times a day. Quite a change from every other day when he was on Prevacid. Man, that stuff had bad side effects. I am afraid it was the reflux which makes me very worried. You see Zantac tends to quit working after a couple of weeks I have heard. This Friday will be 2 weeks since restarting it:/

I had the best time with K and C, my godbabies. Me and K watched Dora and had a good little time. She is very smart and cracks me up with the things she says. C is a little ladies man. I was giving him kisses on his cheek and he wouldn't let me stop. He likes hugs and cuddles. I hope my C is the same way. I miss my 1st Goddaughter R who had to stay back in Washington because she is in kindergarten. I miss her expressions the most :( I'm not ready for them to go back. Lil J is a SAHM and she would be the perfect babysitter if she lived here. I think she is moving back in February but that is 10 months away! C will already be one.

Imagine that.

My BFF Lil J is in from Washington. I wish I could say she flew in to meet C and spend time with me and her family. That's not the case. Well she is her to spend time with her family. Her dad is in this early to mid 50's and is dying from MS (Multiple Sclerosis). He was put on hospice and she had to fly down to spend time with him and ultimately go to his funeral. Very sad.

She did get to meet C and he absolutely adores her. He is so quiet when she hold him. The other day she had to go and gave him back to me and the little booger started crying! She had him smiling yesterday. Nobody beside me and P have been able to make him smile. He loves her just like I do.

Sadness has set in.

I have less than 3 weeks before I have to go back to work. I am already getting sad about it. I am going to miss my sweet baby boy so much. P will be here with him when I'm not but I worry just when I go to Wal-Mart without him. I have to call P and make sure everything is ok. P doesn't have the patience I do and I am worried that he won't be able to handle being with him for 14 hours (or more) while I am at work. My sister Lil K will probobly have to keep him once a month and I worry that he will miss us while he is with her. I keep conjuring up this image in my head that he is thinking, "where is my mommy and daddy". I am fortunate enough to get to work only 3 days a week so I will get to be with him a lot but I still will miss him like crazy.

I am also getting kind of sad about him growing so fast. Don't get me wrong, I am ready for him to sit up, hold things and eat baby food, but I enjoy so much about him being little. I hold him and I think, "one day he is going to be too big to hold and cuddle". I don't mind spoiling him and him being a mama's boy. What is so bad about that? Me giving him whatever he wants because he is worth it? Or him loving his mama like crazy? I am going to miss him smiling at me when I make funny noises or smile at him. I am going to miss him calming down as soon as I pick him up. I am going to miss cuddling with him at night. I am going to miss his toothless grin and the way he moves both arms and legs when he gets excited. I am going to miss his soft skin and his baby smell. I love him like crazy.

Perfection

Sometimes I look at my sweet baby and think; "did this perfect human being come from me?". I am still fascinated at how his 10 fingers and 10 toes, adorable nose and perfect plump lips formed inside me. When I was pregnant I would think all the time; "there is a human growing inside me!". P would always say I was crazy and was never amazed like I was. I mean I made him. He is half me and half P. He has my nose, and blue eyes like me. His ears are the spitting image of mine. He has a birthmark on the back of his neck and a cow lick in the front like P. He was born with blonde hair just like P and I were. His skin is so soft and I have kissed his head so much I think he is going bald in front! I don't know how he hasn't gotten a dent in his forehead from me kissing it all the time. I just want to take a bite out of his chubby little cheeks. My heart melts everytime I see him smile. He smells so yummy and oozes sweetness out of every pore. People ask me, "what is that on the back of his neck? "What is that thing that looks like a bruise on his nose?" "why can you see the veins in his eyelids?" I don't see those things as imperfections. There could be far worse things than that wrong with him and those things are minor. I love every inch of his sweetness.

2 month checkup

C had his 2 month checkup today. He weighed 11pds 12oz. That little booger gained 5 pounds and 3 inches since he was born! He has a little hernia on his belly that his doctor said should heal. We also switched back to Zantac for two reasons. 1. The Prevacid wasn't working any better than Zantac did. 2. The cost-Zantac $10/month and Prevacid $100/month. She didn't seemed pleased that because he was still hiccuping and gurgling I didn't think it was working. Well, I told all this to your nurse who should have told you and then you should have told me this was ok and to stay with it. But you didn't. You just gave me another perscription. Now that I know gurlging and hiccuping don't bother C but gagging and choking on milk and acid do I won't ask for a change in meds, ok? I just hope that it keeps working. My research shows it tends to stop working after a few weeks. Boo! This reflux stuff is for the birds. I am ready for him to outgrow it sooner rather than later. He also got 3 shots and an oral vaccine. I pray to God that he doesn't develop autism or childhood cancers that have been linked to vaccines. He screamed so hard when he got the shots. He turned beet red and held his breath. I picked him up and loved on him and he stopped crying. He just kinda softly cried and whimpered with his little bottom lip out. It was the saddest thing I have ever seen. Besides the day when I dropped my camera on his face and he screamed. I was very sad that day.

Pictures & more pictures

I realized how little wall space I have in my house recently. I have been buying picture frames for all of C's newborn pictures. I spent forever in a local craft store picking out the perfect frames. I spent about $200 in frames, even with the store having them 50% off. I put them all in the frames, carefully making sure the triple frames didn't have similar poses in them. I went around the house looking for the perfect spots and realized that there is so little places to put them! I have dedicated on whole wall to pictures only. Tomorrow they are all getting hung up. Well, except for the 12x12 which I haven't got a frame for yet and the floating canvas print which I haven't gotten yet. I still don't know where I'm going to put the floating canvas...

A few from Cash's newborn photoshoot...

They won't stop coming!

I am so glad that P and I saved a lot of money before C was born because the medical bills won't stop coming! Just when I think I'm paid up another bill comes. I got a 4th one today. Seems like when you have insurance you shouldn't have to pay anything. Here is the rundown:
My hospital bill (2 days)- $1200.00
My anesthesia bill (epidural and c-section)- $145.00
My OBGYN delivery bill-$378.00
C's hospital bill (2 days)- $444.00
C's NICU bill (1 hour)- $250.00
C's Pediatrician bill (when they say him in the hospital)-$ 278.00

This is the portion I had to pay out of pocket. Our finances are really going to suffer when I go back to work. Both P and I are going to go from 40 to 36 hours a week so we don't have to pay for day care. Then I have to pay for C's insurance now and his perscription Prevacid is $100 a month. Add $23 per week for formula and $40 per month for diapers. (Can you believe we haven't had to buy diapers yet? Thank God for wonderful friends and family.)

It's going to be different for sure. Our whole life has changed so much. But holding him and seeing him smile and coo at you makes every sacrifice worth it.

Do I have something in my mustache?

Source: etsy.com via Anita on Pinterest

Baby Fight Club

Source: imgfave.com via Anita on Pinterest

:)

I love when C smiles at me. It makes my heart swell when I can make him smile. Even in his sleep I will hear him laugh, look over at him, and he is smiling away I can't help but smile. I love how he lights up when he sees me. He will start moving his feet around when P has him on the changing table and I put my face into his vision. I love how P can try to soothe him and rock him and he cries but as soon as he hands him to me he closes his eyes and relaxes. I love how C will be in his Rock-N-Play and he will just stare at me, like there is nothing else in the whole world that matters other than me at that moment. I love how when he cries and I held him close and whispered into his ear; "mama is here, it's ok" and he stops crying and relaxes. I love how I never get tired of holding him and even though he sleeps in his Rock-N-Play I still want to cuddle with him and listen to him breathe. He loves me I just know it.

Busy day

Today was one of my neices birthday party. C did really well! He didn't cry the whole time and let everyone hold him. He just looked around at everything. He got a bit sleepy and took a little nap even when people were talking all around him. It was hot so I kept worrying he was going to get overheated but he did ok. I felt like the worst mommy because I left his formula out of his diaper bag. Thank goodness my nephew gave me some of their formula or I would have had to drive into town and buy some. C did ok after that but tonight he ate 6 oz but spit up like 4 times after eating. The past 4 days he has been spitting up, usually once a day. The only thing I can think of is it's the prevacid he has been on. The prevacid gives him bad gas pains so I have been having to give him gas drops with every bottle. The past 2 nights he has slept really well and slept 4 hours straight without waking. Tonight he was fighting his sleep a lot. I think he was overstimulated during the day and overly tired, his belly was hurting and he hasn't pooped today. He just wasn't a happy baby. I feel bad since his routine was messed up and he was exhausted. Monday we are starting a bedtime routine to get him used to going to bed and getting up at a certain time. Children thrive on routine. So, no more busy days for him for a long time.

I'm one sad mommy.

Cash's reflux is not good. You think having a newborn is hard? Try having a newborn with acid reflux. They cry constantly, spit up, hiccup, gag on milk, can't be made happy no matter what you do, did I say cry? C was on Zantac and it took the crying away but not the other symptoms. We started Prevacid 4 days ago and it can take up to 2 weeks to take effect. The doctor said to call after 7 days if it doesn't start to work. I hope and pray to God that this one starts to work ASAP. I can't handle trying different meds and waiting and waiting for them to work. C is miserable and so am I. It is so hard to see your baby in pain and not be able to do anything about it. Tonight I just cried right along with him. He cries so hard it make me so mad. Sometimes eating is the only thing that makes the pain go away so he will eat and eat and eat until he pukes. We have to burp him every ounce or two and he screams until he gags in between burps. I have done lots of research and most babies out grow the reflux when they start to walk. I can't wait until then.

Another thing I don't want to happen is for C to have all the side effects that Prevacid can have: fussiness, gas, abdominal cramps, and insomnia being the most common. Today about an hour after I gave him the medicene he was crying and crying and crying. I think his belly was hurting. It hurts me so much to see him in pain.

And the Prevacid is $100.76 for a 2 month supply so it better work.

I'm just glad that this isn't something else and only reflux. He can have something more serious and I thank the Lord it isn't.

Progress

For the past couple of days I have noticed that C has been crying a lot less. I think the Zantac is finally kicking in. He slept in his bouncer all night last night for the first time since he has been born. He can even lay flat on his back without crying. He actally likes it now! He can sleep laying flat for 3 hours without crying. He spends more time awake looking around rather than crying. It's nice. But he has started spitting up. I think I have figured out that it is when I give him Zantac right before I feed him. I'm going to start giving it in between feedings and see how that goes. He also contines to have that congested sound in his throat after feeds which I hope it isn't something else. Some babies have to have their formula thickened to cure this. He also coughs sometimes still, has frequent hiccups, and will get liquid in his throat and gag. I hope all these symptoms go away soon for him. I have been contemplating a switch in formulas too. Enfamil has a formula for colicky babies. If he continues to cry less and be happy more often then we will stay with the newborn formula because it has extra vitamin D and prebiotics to boost the immune system that the special formula doesn't. I hope we are done fighting the reflux battle. There have been a few night where C hasn't quit crying. I don't get mad at him I just am so sad. I cry and tell him that if I could take his discomfort away I would. Funny thing is I haven't had a single episode of heartburn since I gave birth to him. Three nights ago I have been getting heartburn again. And the past 2 days he has felt better. God listened.

C is 6 weeks old today! I don't get sad that he is getting older, I get sad that I have to go back to work soon.

total Bliss

His face explains how I feel about him. Totally comfortable and happy. There is nothing I would rather be than his mom.

Another doctors appointment.

I think I finally figured out what was has been bugging my boy. Acid reflux. For the past 3 or more weeks, I can't really remember, C has had crying episodes of around 3 hours at a time. I say crying loosley because it's more of screaming & punching an scratching. Nothing soothes him. Not rocking, walking with him, swing, pacifer (I even got a new pacifer), gas drops, burping, changing and feeding him more than a newborn should ever eat. I thought it was gas. We decided to try Gentlease formula. Of course it didn't work. I posted this on Facebook as my status and so many parents commented on it. I guess a lot of parents deal with gas and fussiness in their babies. One person I went to high school with sent me a message and mentioned that he may have acid reflux. She sent me a link and had the signs and symptoms of acid refulx and C had almost all of them.
-a hoarse voice that I had noticed the day before
-cough which often leads to hiccups
-wet sounding burps
-frequent hiccups (he has them ALL the time)
-Poor sleep habits with frequent waking
He will want to eat all the time which make the acid go down which gives him a little instant relief.
He sounds like he has a bubble in his throat after eating.

We took him to the doctor today and she agreed. She also said it sounds like he has colic. She told us to keep him upright when eating and sleeping and for 30 minutes after eating to hopefully cut down on the acid. So far tonight he hasn't had a fussy or crying episode. If by Friday he isn't any better we will start him on reflux medicene. I think I will go ahead and have her start the medicene because it is hard work to keep him propped up all the time. Night time feedings are going to be harder too since he has to sit up for 30 minutes. The doctor said don't worry about training him to sleep in his bed right now until we get the acid reflux issues resolved.

Moral of the story: No sleep for Mama since he can't sleep in his bed or flat. Before I know it he will be all growed up :)

Unanswered Prayers

We went to visit P's parents today. I was in the mood for Garth Brooks on the long drive over. Unanswered Prayers is one of my favorite songs by him. The song is basically about how a guy was so in love with a girl when he was younger. He prayed that God would give him this girl and if he did he would never ask for anything ever again (how many times have you said that?). He wanted to be with this girl so bad but God didn't answer his prayers. Years later he sees this woman and he started to think how if God has answered his prayers he would never have met and married his wife and had the life he has now and he was very thankful for this unanswered prayer.

It got me thinking about a few prayers of my own that I am glad went unanswered. At the time you think it is the worst thing ever to happen to you but come to realize later in life that it was all in God's plan. One line from the song is "I guess the Lord knows what he's doin' after all".

Almost 3 years ago when I was burned out at my job I applied for a position in the OR in my hospital. At the time I thought I wanted to work there so bad but in reality I wanted to work anywhere but where I was working. I don't know what I was thinking. I would have had to re-sign a 2 year commitmant and that was after I completed a 9 month internship. I prayed that I would get the job. A week or so later I was told I didn't get the job and I cried and cried. If I would have gotten the job I wouldn't have gotten the job in PACU and then wouldn't have been transferred to PACU in our sister hospital. God had a better plan for me and he knew the OR wasn't where I needed to be. Being transferred broke my heart and I cried about that too, but something really good came from that. My new boss is way more flexible and understanding about things. Without her I wouldn't have been able to take off so much when I was pregnant, gotten the easiest job when I couldn't physically do my normal job and I can pretty much work when I want when I go back after my maternity leave.

Another time I remember praying so hard was when I was with my first love CO when I was 17. I was so in love with him it was insane. He was a little younger than me but he talked about marriage in the future and that made me love him even more. Then one day he broke up with me and broke my heart. I prayed so hard that he would change his mind, but he didn't. If God had answered that prayer I would have never met P and had our precious baby C. That is one prayer that I'm glad he didn't answer.

Here is the chorus:

"Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers"

What I miss and what I don't.

I miss being pregnant :( But not EVERY part of it.

What I miss about being pregnant:
Feeling and seeing my baby move inside of me.
Seeing my belly grow every week.
Getting people to do stuff for me ;)
Feeling beautiful and people telling me how pretty I looked.
Not feeling fat, feeling pregnant.
Wearing comfy, stretchy pants all the time.
Eating whatever I wanted as often as I wanted.
The pregnancy glow which gives you the best complexion ever!
Not having to shave my legs because I couldn't reach them!
Rubbing my big belly.

What I don't miss about being pregnant:
peeing ALL THE TIME and only little bits at a time. It feels good to pee every few hours and feel relief after I pee.
Not being able to bend over.
Not being out of breath all the time just walking short distances.
Heartburn! And not having to take Tums several times a day without much relief.
Weekly doctors appointments.
Not being able to put underwear, socks or pants on easily.
Not being able to drink caffiene or eat hot dogs/lunch meat/seafood.
Not gagging everytime I brush my teeth.
Bloody noses.
Hormone headaches.
Morning sickness.
Back and hip pain.

And the thing I don't miss about being pregnant-not having him inside me but outside for me to hold and kiss! The wondering and worrying part was the worst!

It's been a while...

Lots has happened since my last post. C has an appointment with the pediatric cardiologist. The gave him an EKG, took his blood pressure, heart rate & oxygen level. Then they gave him an trans thoracic echocardiogram (TTE). It's a sonogram of his heart to see what is causing his heart murmur. They found 3 holes in his heart. There were 2 small ones and 1 medium one. The good news is they should all heal on their own. We have to follow up in 3 months to make sure they are healing. I'm still scared though because what if they don't heal and he has to have surgery? I don't want that for my precious baby boy. I hate to let him cry too long because I don't want his blood pressure and heart rate to get high and stress his little heart out even more.

We had newborn pictures a few weeks ago. They came out amazing! They were really expensive but worth it, Our families may be a little upset that we aren't getting ant for them but oh well. I mean c'mon, a 4x6 is $45. Would you buy extra pictures for your family?

I'm done breastfeeding. I gave up. Partly cause it was so time consuming and partly because I'm lazy. I gave in and didn't work hard enough to re-train him to take my nipple. So, since he wouldn"t take my nipple I had to use a special shield and when he would switch breast he would get so mad and knock that shield off everytime. So, mostly I was pumping every hour and it would take me 2 hours to get 3oz. Well, he eats 3 every 2 hours. If P wasn't here it was impossible. Plus trying to find time to eat and pee! It was just too much. Hopefully he got a lot of benefits from 3 weeks of breastmilk.

C is growing like a weed. He is the most beautiful thing on this planet. I can sit and stare at him for hours. When he's awake I give him kisses and he lets me as long as I want. He has got the sweetest kissy lips. I especially love when he smiles in his sleep. He has THE softest little feet ever. He peed on me the other day when I changed his diaper. He pees all the time when I'm changing his diaper. It's funny, he will get real quiet then I look over and see this fountain spraying in the air. It cracks me up!

Now, if we could only get him to sleep in his playpen instead of only with us or in my arms. I will be glad when we can go all night without having to get up to feed and change him. All in good time...

Spoiled in 10 days?

C has his days and nights mixed up. During the day he sleeps so soundly and deep. I clean house, bang around and the dogs bark and he doesn't budge. At night he his hungry almost every hour and cries and wiggles and moves. He has been sleeping with us for the past week since we have been home from the hospital since it has been so cold. This is dangerous cause we could roll over on him or the blankets could cover his face. I tried to put him in the play pen to sleep last night. He wasn't having it and mommy didn't like it either. He would doze off and I would put him in the playpen and he would immediately wake up and cry. I would pick him up and he would stop. I don't know why he doesn't like that thing. I didn't want to put him in it either but I know it is better if he sleeps in it. When he sleeps with us I sleep with him on my arm and when he cries or moves I can wake up and get whatever he needs. I can also just open my eyes and check on him. It scared me that he wasn't going to be right next to me. I was so sad too because I know one day he won't want to sleep with us and I want to savor every moment of him being this little. P couldn't believe I was crying. We have another pediatrican visit on Tuesday and the doctor said she is going to give us a plan to make him sleep during the night. I can't wait for that. I mean I don't know how I'm going to do it when P goes back to work in a week. He really helps a lot. I guess if he doesn't adjust to the new schedule quickly I will sleep during the day when he sleeps and P can do chores when he gets home from work.

Update on the breastfeeding:
I'm still frustrated at pumping somewhat. I have only been able to pump and average of about 1oz every 2 hours. I'm trying to go with the flow and give him as much breast milk as I can. We have pretty much only been giving him formula at night and I'm not getting up to pump anymore. I was doing research on how breastmilk boosts a baby's immune system (the main reason I'm doing it) and it says the antibodies I am passing to him are steadily decreasing and by 3 months it's almost nothing and his immune system starts to take over. So, my new goal is to breastfeed him until he is 3 months old which is when I go back to work. I will still pump and give him some breastmilk but not as much as I am now. I think that is a pretty good goal. I have been trying to give him my nipple and he tries it but flat out refuses.

So the moral of the story is C is already spoiled. He likes to sleep with mommy so he sleeps with mommy. He doesn't want my nipple he gets the bottle. Oh well he is worth it and deserves it.

Breastfeeding Blues

I'm having issues with breastfeeding and I blame it on the hospital. About 2 hours after C was born they brought him to me and I breastfed. He latched on and did very well. I did both breasts but only for a few minutes each. I had no idea how long I was supposed to feed him. The NICU nurse was like, "boys will suck you dry if you let them". I just think she was in a hurry to get him back to NICU because it was shift change. The lactation nurse later told me they should have let him eat as long as he wanted and this is probobly why his blood sugars dipped way low a few hours later. Due to his blood sugars being low we had to formula feed him for 24 hours. He got used to a bottle nipple and had a hard time wanting my nipple after that. The lactation nurse gave me a nipple shield to use. It is a silicone thingy that goes over my nipple but has a hard nipple thing that is similar to a bottle. So it makes my nipple into a bottle nipple. Using this allows C to get my milk straight from my breast. The down fall is that he won't eat breastmilk without this shield. It also causes him to suck in a lot of air and he gets miserable a few times a day and cries and cries. It breaks my heart. I decided to pump my milk since essentially he isn't eating from my nipple anyway and it is tiresome at night. I had a hand pump to express my milk but it took so long to get 2 oz of milk out. He eats every 1-4 hours so it is hard to pump because he is always eating. Pumping with the hand pump just takes to long. I usually only can pump one bottle a day. Today I got a top of the line $250(on sale) electric double breast pump and was SO disappointed. It gave me 2 oz in 15 minutes of pumping and THAT WAS IT. How am I ever going to catch up so that he is only eating pumped bottles? I was literally in tears because it is so frustrating. P felt so bad for me. I want C to have breast milk so bad and I feel like I just want to give up. I think I was crying because I feel like I am failing C if he has to drink formula. There is nothing wrong with formula; I mean nobody I know was breastfed. It's just that it is so much better for him and I want to do the best that I can possibly do for my son. He deserves only the best. I hope it gets better.

The story of Cash's Birth

Since, C is asleep I thought I would write his story so that I don't forget.

January 26, 2011
I was a nervous wreck all day. P and I had dinner at Outback and talked about how things were going to change from this moment on. We talked about how this would be our last "date" for a long time. We were ok with that. We were so ready to meet our baby. I ate way too much knowing I wouldn't be allowed to eat while I was in labor.

We arrived at the hospital at 8:15 for my induction. I was told that I was almost called and told to stay home due to the fact that there were so many women in labor. I was chosen over another woman because I was past my due date. They said that the other lady was very upset. I was glad I was chosen. The nurses, Melinda and Edna put me in a hospital gown, started my IV, drew blood, asked me questions and went over how things would go, and hooked me up to fetal monitoring. They were both very nice. I especially loved Melinda because she treated me like a nurse and didn't act like she was better than me. She checked on me the next night. They had a hard time getting C's heartbeat cause he kept moving around. About 10pm I was given a medicene called Cytotec intra vaginally. I had never heard of this medicene before and was kinda nervous about it. The bad thing about it was I had to stay in bed for 2 hours so that the medicene wouldn't come out. They had me hooked up to IV fluids so I literally had to pee every 10-20 minutes, on a bed pan, and it wasn't fun for me or P. He was so awesome though. He hardly complained and even wiped me. The bed was very uncomfortable and it was hard to get into a good postion. Everytime I turned we would loose his heartbeat and I would do my best to find it again.

January 27, 2011
At around 1am the contractions started. They were light, like mild menstrual cramps. I was trying to sleep but I was listening to his heartbeat on the monitor the whole time. Once I heard it slow down and speed back up but I thought it was from him moving away from the monitor. Then he did it again. Three nurses rushed into my room, put oxygen on me and had me turn onmy right side. One nurse checked my cervix and I was dilated to a 2. They told me that I had to stay in bed longer until his heartbeat stabilized. She called and told Dr. D. She thought I might be having contractions one right after another. Then I had to poop, on the bed pain. NOT FUN. P almost puked. I finally got tired of so much peeing and asked for a catheter. I got one and as soon as the nurse walked out I felt the sudden urge to pee. Being a nurse and knowing that the catheter makes you feel like you need to pee, I pushed and thought I had peed on myself. I asked P to wipe me and it was bloody. We called the nurse and she said my water broke. Melinda said that the possibly taking the pressure off my bladder allowed him to move down and my water broke. I was so happy but listening to the monitor at his heartbeat the whole time and I was worried. I knew something wasn't right. She called Dr. D and told her. I was still only dilated to a 2. I was having more intense contractions now and didn't want IV pain medicene but Melinda said that it could possbilbly slow down my contractions and make it easier on the baby. i took it, felt drunk but felt a lot better. Around 2am the contractions were getting worse but I could handle them. Melinda said I could have my epidural whenever I wanted it so I asked for it. Around 2:30 the CRNA came in, asked me questions and I sat up to get my edpidural. I could feel my back "crunching" as he got into the space. I was shaking uncontrollably due to adrenaline hormones that were going through my body. He kept telling me, "chin down, back out more". It seemed like forever for him to get it in. Then suddenly when he was done I got the most painful intense migraine ever, started sweating and nauseated. I tried to lay down at their request but each time I tried the head ache flared like crazy. It was very scary. I finally layed down and felt better. My legs were going numb and felt very warm. It was a relaxing feeling and I felt better. I was going to try to sleep now. We waited and his heartbeat dropped two more times. Melinda called Dr D. Around 3 am Melinda placed a heartbeat monitoring device and on C's head to monitor him and gave me a shot in my arm to try to slow down my contractions. About 3:45 Dr. D came in and put a monitor inside me to measure my contractions. She told me she saw meconium (baby poop). Being a nurse I knew this wasn't good and meant that C was in distress. She said she was going out to check my strips from the monitoring devices and come back. I knew I was going to have a c-section when she told me she saw meconium. She came back in and said "I think we should do a c-section". Without hesitation I said, "let's do it". Immediatley, without hesitation Dr. D unplugged my monitors and the bed and pushed me with Melinda's help right into the OR. Within minutes they were cutting me open. They didn't even count insturments due to the emergent need to get C out. I was very nervous for my baby. The CRNA gave me huge doses of the epidural to get me numb. I couldn't feel anything. Eventually I was numb allover, even my mouth. I could feel pressure and pulling when Dr. D was getting him out. P finally mad it in and sat next to me. Then Dr. D said, "double nuchal, no TRIPLE nuchal cord. That is why he was having decels". She told me his cord was wrapped around his neck 3 times. Each time I had a contraction my uterus would push him and sqeeze his cord tighter aroudn his neck, this is why his heart rate would fall. Then suddenlty she told me, he is out and they are having to bag him a little bit". (they were having to breathe for him since he wasn't breathing on this own when he came out). Then I freaked out. I said, "they are bagging him?" and then I heard him cry. It was a little relieft. He didn't cry long.

P took some pictures and the NICU nurses rolled C by so me and P could see him. He looked so big in his incubator. Then they rushed P out to meet me in recovery. They sewed me up and I got numb everywhere. I suddenly got nauseated and puked and then I couldn't breathe. I was panicking and crying at the same time. I was so scared. Dr. D said they were going to keep C in NICU for a couple of hours to monitor his breathing. I went to recovery and tried to sleep but was shaking so bad it was impossible. By then it was around 5. Eventually they brought C to me and I held him and breast fed him. He had the most amazing blonde hair and he was so beautiful. I was so glad that his breathing was better and he wasn't intubated. P came to recovery and held C also. He didn't stay long and they took him back to NICU. I was so relieved. Then his blood sugars began to fall due to the stress of labor and they were having to bottle feed him and monitor his sugars every 3 hours to make sure they weren't low. They told me that if his blood sugars didn't return to normal that he would have to go to NICU. The NICU at the hospital was full so that meant he would have to be transported to another hospital. I was so upset and prayed so hard that his sugars would return to normal. Within 24 hours they had. They were on the low side of normal and I had to wake him up every 2 hours and force him to eat so he didn't have to go to NICU.

C was born at 4:21 am on January 27th. He weighed 6pds 14 oz and was 20 3/4 inches long. It took them 5 minutes from the time they cut me to get him out.

I am thankful to my nurse Melinda who was watching my monitors and keeping Dr. D informed. I am thankful to Dr. D for coming in on a night she wasn't on call to deliver C and making the decision to have a c-section right away without delay. I am thankful to my amazing husband who had so much patience with me through out my labor. Thanks be to God who gave me a beautiful, healthy son despite the way he started his life.

Heaven

As I type (with one hand) my brand new baby boy is curled up next to me. We just gave him a bath so he smells like baby lotion which smells like heaven. There is no way I could ever describe the love I have for this human being. Thinking about it is literally making me cry. I can't sing "You are my Sunshine" to him without crying either. Sometimes when I take a nap, because life is nothing but a series of naps lately, I sob and thank God for my amazing husband and for making me a mommy. The love I have for them both is so overwhelming. It is so weird how tired me and P are but we never get cranky. We work together, take turns napping, have so much patience and never complain about anything except our dogs. I really am ready to get rid of these dogs, except T since he stays outside.

I have seen another side to P that has really amazed me. He does laundry, cooks and gets me anything I need. He is so patient and helpful all the time. He does the majority of the diaper changes since I do the majority of the feedings. He is what a man is supposed to be (I'm crying again). I really dread when he has to go back to work. The thought of that makes me sad.

So, back to cuddling with my sweet baby...

Tonights the night!

So, tonight at 8:15 I will be at the hospital getting induced. I was very nervous yesterday for some reason but I have calmed down today. I slept suprisingly well last night and only woke up twice. P and I slept through his alarm that goes off for an hour before it shuts itself off. I think our bodies knew that we needed rest because we are about to be exhausted 24/7. I haven't told many people because I really don't want to be bothered. I don't want a bunch of bored people all up in my shizz. I told my sisters not to come until the morning. I think one is going to stay at my house since it is only about 10 min away from the hospital. The pitocin should take overnight to work anyway but you really never know. Lil K almost couldn't make it due to the fact that her oldest daughter had to go to the ER yesterday and they told her she has the flu. She called me to say she couldn't come for C's birth and hung up on me because she was crying. Somehow Big K talked Lil K into calling my mom and she is going to stay at home with the kids so Lil K can come. Now I'm scared she is going to spread the flu to C and all of us. I mean that could kill my baby since his immune system is still developing. I'm going to pray that God will protect him. It means a lot to me that my sisters are so excited to be there for the birth.

P says he's not nervous or anxious. I believe him. He doesn't get nervous. Hopefully he will help me through the pain of the birth until I can get my epidural. He thinks I'm going to yell at him and be all crazy. He knows I'm not that type of person but I think that is what scares him the most! He also dreads staying in the hospital. I don't know why. I don't think he has spent a single night in a hospital, ever. We will be home before he knows it.

So, pretty soon I will have a brand new baby in my arms! I hope he is healthy!

Tomorrow might be the day.

I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight. I got my OB appointment moved up by a whole day and am hopeful that she will send me in tomorrow night to be induced. This is just a total guess though. It could be next week for all I know but I am so excited that it could be tomorrow. I'm not miserable or tired of being pregnant like I thought I was going to be; I'm just ready to meet and hold and kiss and see what my baby boy will look like. I want to know that he is born healthy and normal. Everything is squared away except one load of laundry and a dishwasher full of clean dishes. I'm ready when Dr. D says go.

I had a nice conversation with my dad yesterday and my mom today. I have the craziest parents ever. I guess that explains me! My mom was telling me all these stories about when she was pregnant with me, She told me how much I weighed, how long I was, and how big around my head was. She has exact measurements. I can't trust her thought because at a family baby shower one time she argued with me and swore up and down that I was born in Missouri (I was born in Kansas). I think half of the stuff she just makes up, I swear. She told me that she didn't have contractions with me or Lil K. She said she kept feeling like she had to pee and then started "peeing" on herself. She said my dad kept putting towels under her. Turned out her amniotic fluid was leaking out because her water had broken. At least she wasn't high so I kinda believed her. She almost made me feel guilty that I'm not allowing her in the delivery room. Almost.

So, this may be my last entry for a while! Yippee!

Dream, Dream, Nightmare!

Every night I have been having dreams involving my baby. Sometimes it's me having him or trying to have him. One night I had the baby in the hospital I work at (but it wasn't where I really work) and I woke up the next day desperatly trying to find him. You see, the apocolypse was upon us and I had him emergently. I was recovering from labor and they took him to the nursery before I ever got to see him. I couldn't find where the nursery was. I woke up before I found him in the dream.

Last night it was that I had him and my sisters Big K and Lil K took him before I got to see him because they loved him so much. I hadn't seen him in 2 months and I was desperate to breast feed him before all my milk dried up. I was so mad that Big K was trying to tell me how to do everything and wouldn't let me take him home. I tried to breast feed him and he was the cutest and happiest baby I had ever seen. I haven't had these realistic dreams in several months but have been for the past week or so. I think it is because I can't sleep deep due to having to pee every couple hours or so uncomforable in bed that I wake myself up.

I'm so ready to meet C it's ridiculous!

Waiting and waiting some more.

So, I'm 39 weeks along and C has no intentions of coming out anytime soon I'm afraid. At my 37 week doctors appointment I was having a couple of contractions a day. Now, maybe one a day. At my 38 week appointment I was dilated to a one but I'm afraid since I'm not having any more contractions that I'm probobly still a one when I go on Friday. He is getting so big he just kinda rolls on his side in my belly and I can still feel him hiccuping. I can't wait for him to be born. I want to snuggle him, and rock him, and give him kisses and smell that "baby" smell.

I think my nesting has begun. I've been cleaning a lot and trying to finish the never ending laundry. I'm about to start washing C's clothes. I'm only washing hats, socks, blankets, burp clothes, wash clothes, towels and all his 0-3 months clothes and it will probobly be two loads! I can't believe he has so many clothes! P and I installed both carseats today. Those things were kinda hard to figure out. They say 85% of carseats are installed wrong so we read all the instructions and those things aren't budging. It may be because they barely fit in the dang car! They take up a lot of room.

So, everything is ready for C's arrival but until then we will be waiting...

Maternity Leave!

So, I wrote a big long blog the other day about how work was starting to tick me off. For some reason it didn't post. Oh well because I'm on maternity leave now!! It was such a freeing feeling leaving work yesterday. No more work for 13 weeks!! I got lots of hugs and good lucks and "hope the delivery goes smooth". I even got one kiss on the belly from B. I appreciated everything anyone said but I ran like I was being chased out of that place! It is so hard on me to work. One person (a man of course)asked me, "why don't you push it to the end?". Are you kidding? This is the end! I have less than 2 weeks left. How much more can I work? Getting up from those chairs at work hurts so bad and I can't stand all day. The procedures where I have to run back and forth takes all the energy I DON'T have. I feel guilty for sitting and doing nothing sometimes when other people are running around like crazy. I will be glad to do a normal job when I get back. I'm just not looking forward to being in charge and going back to taking call.

I'm going to enjoy every minute of my time off because you don't always get to take 3 months of work without it being a because of something bad happening. I already know it is going to go by way fast.

13 weeks should do the trick!

So, I have a theory. Work gets more stressful before you are about to take time off. I don't know if it because you haven't taken vacation in a long time and it's due or you know that you are about to be off and you have given up mentally. Work for me last week and this week (so far) has been so bad. My boss is really getting on my nerves. She is always giving people days off when we really need them to work. She is constantly short staffing the unit. Today it was me and her until 8:30. What if I went into labor over the weekend? She would have been alone. She overstaffs the evening shift because they are idiots and short staffs the day shift because we are competant. She shits on the capable, smart people by giving us the sicker patients, more patients and constantly gripes at us if we don't get our patients out. Meanwhile, she admits patient for the idiots and draws blood for them set's up pain pumps and calls doctors for them. See what we get for being smart? Nothing. We get an increased work load. Maybe I should act stupid and be slow and act like I don't know what I'm doing. One of the better nurses is getting lazy too. She pulls little tricks just so she doesn't have to do things. She was leaving at change of shift one day. She could have discharged her patient but she was lazy and left it for the next shift. Today she took over 30 minutes to transfer a patient meanwhile I admitted 2 patients for her while she drug her feet and didn't even say thank you or attempt to help me with anything when she came back. I asked her to give IV pain meds and verify and order with a doctor. She didn't do any of them. LAZY. Needless to say I really need a vacation. 13 weeks should do the trick!

New Mothers Resolutions

Lots of people on Facebook are talking about resolutions for the new year. I have never been the type of person to make resolutions. I know I will never keep them anyway and what's wrong with liking the way I am and not wanting to change anything? With this in mind I have decided to make some New mother resolutions. My parenting goals of sorts.

1. He will not know what McDonalds is. Kids don't like the food anyway. It's all about the Happy Meal toy and the playground.
2. I will feed him only organic meats and milk. I'm not going to say this is all he will ever eat but I will try. There is just too much crap in milk and meats these days. Organic fruits and veggies aren't that important but I will feed him these as much as I can also.
3. He will not drink soda.
4. He will not eat candy until he is older. I know I can't keep it from him forever but I am going to try. I don't want him to be one of those kids screaming for candy at the check out stand or getting cavities filled when they are 2.
5. He will know who God is and we will pray together. I will take him to church when I go.
6. If he is bad and we are supposed to do something fun that day, he WILL NOT go. There will be no rewards for him being bad. No matter what it is.
7. He will go to the dentist regularly. You only have one set of teeth and I don't want him to be scared of the dentist.
8. He will know how important it is to get an education. I will use my family as an example.
9. I will not buy him a car and he will pay his own insurance.
10. He will get a job when he is 16.
11. He will know how to put on a condom and our family will be open about sex. I will use my family as an example of what can happen when you have unprotected sex.
12. He will be doing chores all his life. None of this cleaning up after him while he plays.
13. Video game and TV time will be limited. He will play outside most of the time.
14. Each Christmas he will go through his room and pick several toys to donate to charity. There is no sense having so many toys.

Most of these I have come up with by watching other parents and learning from their mistakes.

Just for fun pregnancy survey.

Name? Tiffany
Age? 30 (yikes!)
Height? 5'4"
Pre-pregnancy weight? 224
About The Father: you should be jealous he is not your baby's daddy!
Name? P
Age? 29
Height? 5"11"
Are you still together? DUH!
About Your Pregnancy:
Is this your first pregnancy? yep.
When did you find out you were pregnant? memorial day weekend.
Was it planned? no, but we were letting God decide when the time was right for us.
What was your first reaction? I didn't believe it. I had to take another one the next morning to be sure. I still didn't really believe it until I got an official test at the doctors office.
Who was with you when you found out? P. I was alone at the doctors office.
Who was the first person you told? My big sister K
How did your parents react? VERY excited.
How far along are you? 36 weeks!
What was your first symptom? NAUSEA! That is what made me take a test.
What is your due date? 1/29/11
Do you know the sex of the baby? Yes
If so, what is it? a boy!!
Have you picked out names? yes. we had them picked before we got married.
If so, what are they? Cash Jacob (Zoe Elizabeth if it were a girl)
How much weight have you gained? 33 pounds so far.
Do you have stretch marks? actually I do! I didn't think I could get anymore!
Have you felt the baby move? yes, and it is amazing every time!
Have you heard the heartbeat? lots of times.
About the birth:Home or hospital birth? hospital
Natural or medicated birth? MEDICATED!
Who will be in the delivery room with you? P, my big and little sister.
Will you breastfeed? I'm going to do my darndest.
Do you think you'll need a c-section? Nah. I really hope I don't.
Will you cry when you hold the baby for the first time? Probobly. I am a crier.
What's the first thing you might say to him/her? I will probobly say hi!
Would you let someone videotape the birth? No, I don't want to see that later.
Are you excited about the birth, or scared? Very excited and nervous about the pain.