Busy Busy Busy

First full week of 12 hour shifts at work. It wasn't really that bad. The day's went by pretty fast and so did the week. Cash slept through the night each day so I felt rested when I got up. I hope this pattern keeps up! I worry the whole time I am gone though. I am so afraid P is loosing his patience with him and something terrible has happened. Sometimes I get that feeling and I call and he doesn't answer then I worry even more :/ I try to relax and he always calls me back eventually. I don't know why I worry. When I get home from work I swear he has gained weight and grown longer by inches. He just looks so dang big! Each morning when I leave for work I sit a minute by his sleeper and look at him and tell him how much I love him and will miss him while I'm at work. I love that little boy with everything I have in me! He is going to roll over at any minute. He will dig his heels into the carpet, pick his butt up and tilt to the side. He can't quite make it though. P brought up a good point today, "I don't know what he is going to do when he gets over there" because he hates tummy time! He will tolerate it for about 3 minutes and he is done. He is a funny little guy. He is also starting to laugh! I do this thing where I will look up and then back down and make a noise and it will make him laugh and smile everytime. It melts my heart every time.

The gift of motherhood

Mothering instinct.

Such a fascinating concept to me. I had my first nephew when I was 12. My first niece when I was 15 and 3 others since. I moved in with my sister when I was 15 so my nephew and I were super duper close. We shared a room and slept together. I told him stories everynight and would take him everywhere with me. I did the same with my niece. I loved them like you wouldn't believe. My other 3 nieces came along and I loved them so much. I loved being an aunt. They would come over on weekends and holidays and we would do all kinds of fun stuff. Sno-Cones for breakfast, movies and popcorn, going to the park and shopping. The best part was that you could give them back when you were tired! I didn't think I could love anyone more than I loved those 5 kids.

Then I became a mother.

You spend all those months with a baby growing inside of you, changing your body so much. I would spend hours talking to my husband about how we were going to discipline him and how we would raise him, the lessons and values we would instill in him. Then when he was born and I looked into his eyes and him into mine some light bulb inside of me that had never been turned on lit up inside me. Suddenly you knew true love. You had this love that lay dormant inside of you wake up and take over your body. You immediately knew a new language-baby language. You could understand his cries and body language. You could feel his pain and uncomfortableness and his happiness. Nothing makes your heart skip a beat like the first time he smiles at you. He doesn't know any of the selfish mean things you have done in your life and he smiles at you because you make him happy. He wants to be close to you and held and just knows you are his mom. You make him calm just by being his mother.

Pee and poop become wet and stinky not the grossest things you have ever seen. Spit up becomes part of your outfit and his slobber is melted sugar juice. When he hurts you hurt 100 times more. You would do anything and sacrifice anything for him. You are only happy when he is happy.

It's funny how much becoming a mother changes you. I would have never expected my life you transform into something so beautiful and wonderful when I had my amazing son.

Back to work

Wednesday was my first day back to work. I missed C more than he missed me! P was really good about making me feel at ease. He sent a picture, a video and text messages throughout the day. They really made me feel better. Thursday I hardly worried at all. I was so tired at the end of each day! My feet and back killed me. I haven't worked a normal shift since November. I am so glad to be able to do normal things again like push stretchers and beds, fit on the elevator with a stretcher, lift and move patients and recover a patient normally. I can bend and move without my hips and/or back aching all day. Hell, I can walk without my hips and/or back killing me! I don't feel guilty for not being able to be a team player anymore. My boss is really working with me on my schedule and I only have to work one Friday a month! Friday is going to be our family day where P and I are both off together. This will really be beneficial when C gets older. I think a healthy childhood, adolecense and adulthood all hinge upon having both of your parents actively participating in your life.

I have to get used to 12 hours shifts again. I have to drive an hour each way so my days actually turn into 18 hour days. C has been really good at sleeping through the night since we started cereal. (I know it's too early but it's only 1.5 tsp so don't get your panties in a wad). I come home play with C and love on him then scarf some food down, feed C and then put him to bed. Both nights I worked he didn't go down until 10pm-11pm but that's ok cause he doesn't wake up till 5am. P and I both get up at 5am to get ready for work anyway. But I have to tell you it just felt very right and normal to be home with him today. Motherhood is such a weird thing.

It's not about me anymore.

Being sick is the pits. Being sick with a newborn is worse. I mean you can't lay in bed all day and eat chicken soup. My favorite thing to do when I'm sick is whine. Now when I'm sick I get to change poopy diapers while I'm nauseated. Now I get to mix a bottle with my nose running. Now I get to hope my constant sneezing isn't going to wake C from his nap. And worst of all I have to refrain from kissing every inch of his face with my sore throat and hoarse voice because I really don't want to get my sweet boy sick.

With a heavy heart...

My niece K's 2 month old baby sister whom she never met unexpectedly died this morning. Usually I would have said, "oh how sad", but now that I have C and he is about the same age I can't quit thinking about it. The story my sister told me is that K's dad had taken the baby to her mom to let her feed. While feeding, milk suddently started coming out of the baby's nose, mouth and eyes and she stopped breathing. One of their neighbors was a volunteer fireman and he came over, performed CPR and revived her but momentarilly. When the ambulance came the baby's dad (K's dad) had to carry her limp body to the ambulance. They tried for 27 minutes to revive her but were unsuccessful in doing so. She was taken to the hospital and pronounced her dead. The baby's dad (K's dad) wasn't allowed to go to the hospital due to police questioning. He was unable to hold her for one last time and say goodbye. They spent all day making funeral arrangements and K's dad had to sell his vehicle just to afford a burial plot. The funeral home is giving them discounts, I guess because she was just a baby. One theory is that she aspirated and passed away. An autopsy will be performed.

My heart breaks for them as I can't imagine loosing C. He is my whole life and I can't imagine it without him. I worry now more than ever that something like that may happen to him. I have to trust in God that he will protect him, keep him healthy and keep him here on earth with me for many more decades to come.

He's going to miss me.

I was looking over an email I was sent when I was approved for FMLA. It said I was approved for FMLA from January 25th to April 18th. I was under the impression I was supposed to return to work on April 25th. Are you kidding me? It was my mistake. C's original due date was January 29th but whe Dr. D was filled out my FMLA request sheet she put my due date January 25th. I never changed it in my head that I would have to go back a week early. The thing is my boss only knew what I told her. I tossed the idea back and forth in my head whether or not I should call and tell her. I made the decision to do the right thing because I didn't want to get in trouble with upper management and I didn't want to get my boss in trouble either. I called her and made a deal I would go back Wednesday instead of Monday. I just wasn't prepared to go back a week early and Wednesday is better than Monday.

I am getting anxious about going back too. P doesn't have as much patience as I do and I'm afraid of what will happen when I'm not here. I am also afraid C is going to cry more than usual because he is going to miss me. I will be gone 14.5 hours a day (or more depending on if I have to be on call that day). I have been with him 24/7 since the day he was born and he is going to know I'm gone. I will probobly cry the day before I go to work and on my way to work that day. Hopefully it will get a little easier with time...

Visitors!

So Lil J and her kiddos stayed the night last night. C absolutely loves her! He was so calm and comfortable in her arms. She fed him and burped him and he was falling asleep while burping! It was the cutest thing. She had the best way of calming him down and know just how to hold him to make him feel safe. It made me feel like I was doing it all wrong when he cried for 2 hours straight tonight. I don't know if it was reflux or gas as we gave him meds for both about the same time. I hate giving him the gas drops because it make him poop like 3 times a day. Quite a change from every other day when he was on Prevacid. Man, that stuff had bad side effects. I am afraid it was the reflux which makes me very worried. You see Zantac tends to quit working after a couple of weeks I have heard. This Friday will be 2 weeks since restarting it:/

I had the best time with K and C, my godbabies. Me and K watched Dora and had a good little time. She is very smart and cracks me up with the things she says. C is a little ladies man. I was giving him kisses on his cheek and he wouldn't let me stop. He likes hugs and cuddles. I hope my C is the same way. I miss my 1st Goddaughter R who had to stay back in Washington because she is in kindergarten. I miss her expressions the most :( I'm not ready for them to go back. Lil J is a SAHM and she would be the perfect babysitter if she lived here. I think she is moving back in February but that is 10 months away! C will already be one.

Imagine that.

My BFF Lil J is in from Washington. I wish I could say she flew in to meet C and spend time with me and her family. That's not the case. Well she is her to spend time with her family. Her dad is in this early to mid 50's and is dying from MS (Multiple Sclerosis). He was put on hospice and she had to fly down to spend time with him and ultimately go to his funeral. Very sad.

She did get to meet C and he absolutely adores her. He is so quiet when she hold him. The other day she had to go and gave him back to me and the little booger started crying! She had him smiling yesterday. Nobody beside me and P have been able to make him smile. He loves her just like I do.

Sadness has set in.

I have less than 3 weeks before I have to go back to work. I am already getting sad about it. I am going to miss my sweet baby boy so much. P will be here with him when I'm not but I worry just when I go to Wal-Mart without him. I have to call P and make sure everything is ok. P doesn't have the patience I do and I am worried that he won't be able to handle being with him for 14 hours (or more) while I am at work. My sister Lil K will probobly have to keep him once a month and I worry that he will miss us while he is with her. I keep conjuring up this image in my head that he is thinking, "where is my mommy and daddy". I am fortunate enough to get to work only 3 days a week so I will get to be with him a lot but I still will miss him like crazy.

I am also getting kind of sad about him growing so fast. Don't get me wrong, I am ready for him to sit up, hold things and eat baby food, but I enjoy so much about him being little. I hold him and I think, "one day he is going to be too big to hold and cuddle". I don't mind spoiling him and him being a mama's boy. What is so bad about that? Me giving him whatever he wants because he is worth it? Or him loving his mama like crazy? I am going to miss him smiling at me when I make funny noises or smile at him. I am going to miss him calming down as soon as I pick him up. I am going to miss cuddling with him at night. I am going to miss his toothless grin and the way he moves both arms and legs when he gets excited. I am going to miss his soft skin and his baby smell. I love him like crazy.

Perfection

Sometimes I look at my sweet baby and think; "did this perfect human being come from me?". I am still fascinated at how his 10 fingers and 10 toes, adorable nose and perfect plump lips formed inside me. When I was pregnant I would think all the time; "there is a human growing inside me!". P would always say I was crazy and was never amazed like I was. I mean I made him. He is half me and half P. He has my nose, and blue eyes like me. His ears are the spitting image of mine. He has a birthmark on the back of his neck and a cow lick in the front like P. He was born with blonde hair just like P and I were. His skin is so soft and I have kissed his head so much I think he is going bald in front! I don't know how he hasn't gotten a dent in his forehead from me kissing it all the time. I just want to take a bite out of his chubby little cheeks. My heart melts everytime I see him smile. He smells so yummy and oozes sweetness out of every pore. People ask me, "what is that on the back of his neck? "What is that thing that looks like a bruise on his nose?" "why can you see the veins in his eyelids?" I don't see those things as imperfections. There could be far worse things than that wrong with him and those things are minor. I love every inch of his sweetness.

2 month checkup

C had his 2 month checkup today. He weighed 11pds 12oz. That little booger gained 5 pounds and 3 inches since he was born! He has a little hernia on his belly that his doctor said should heal. We also switched back to Zantac for two reasons. 1. The Prevacid wasn't working any better than Zantac did. 2. The cost-Zantac $10/month and Prevacid $100/month. She didn't seemed pleased that because he was still hiccuping and gurgling I didn't think it was working. Well, I told all this to your nurse who should have told you and then you should have told me this was ok and to stay with it. But you didn't. You just gave me another perscription. Now that I know gurlging and hiccuping don't bother C but gagging and choking on milk and acid do I won't ask for a change in meds, ok? I just hope that it keeps working. My research shows it tends to stop working after a few weeks. Boo! This reflux stuff is for the birds. I am ready for him to outgrow it sooner rather than later. He also got 3 shots and an oral vaccine. I pray to God that he doesn't develop autism or childhood cancers that have been linked to vaccines. He screamed so hard when he got the shots. He turned beet red and held his breath. I picked him up and loved on him and he stopped crying. He just kinda softly cried and whimpered with his little bottom lip out. It was the saddest thing I have ever seen. Besides the day when I dropped my camera on his face and he screamed. I was very sad that day.

Pictures & more pictures

I realized how little wall space I have in my house recently. I have been buying picture frames for all of C's newborn pictures. I spent forever in a local craft store picking out the perfect frames. I spent about $200 in frames, even with the store having them 50% off. I put them all in the frames, carefully making sure the triple frames didn't have similar poses in them. I went around the house looking for the perfect spots and realized that there is so little places to put them! I have dedicated on whole wall to pictures only. Tomorrow they are all getting hung up. Well, except for the 12x12 which I haven't got a frame for yet and the floating canvas print which I haven't gotten yet. I still don't know where I'm going to put the floating canvas...