Mother's Day

I have high hopes for Mother's Day every year. After all, I waited 30 years for one to come my way.

I imagine sleeping in and waking up to breakfast in bed. Then Cash will jump on me in bed telling me how much he loves me and P thanks me for being a great Mom and he appreciates all I do. I don't have to lift a finger all day getting showered in gifts and flowers. I won't have to cook dinner. I will be made to feel special and appreciated.

Every single year I sit home, alone, depressed and disappointed. P always has to work, never thinks to ask for the day off. This year I got a card, from Cash. Nothing from P telling me so much as telling me to kiss his ass. No flowers, no gift...nothing but heartbreak. He didn't even tell me Happy Mother's Day. Never had a dinner or flowers from P. He said he got me a present but I know he ordered me something that he didn't even care enough to order it on time so I could get it today. Today is like any other day, nobody has made me feel special here. So, all you people posting all your gifts on Facebook and saying how sweet and thoughtful your husbands and kids are can kiss my ass.

This one is different but very much the same.

I was reading all my posts from when I was pregnant with Cash today. Brought back all kinds of warm fuzzies. My favorite is that I will never let him eat McDonalds. HA! Anywhoo, I have decided I'm going to blog more about this pregnancy. With Cash I posted on Facebook every single sonogram picture. Haven't had time to do that this time around. By 5 months I had ordered his furniture, had it almost set up and picked his theme for his room. At 5 months P and I were at Babies R Us registering for useless things like burp cloths because we just had to have them. Eighteen weeks is just around the corner and we have done NOTHING to prepare for Cash's little brother/sister. People are giving me a hard time about this. Saying it's not fair and this baby is getting screwed. I have good reasons. 1. That perfect nursery we set up for Cash didn't get used until he was 11 months old. New baby WILL NOT sleep with us after it's born. I will register for a basinet and it can sleep in it at night and his it's crib for naps. I will not make the same mistake with Cash. Plus Cash is still sleeping in the bed with us. 2. The new baby will inherit Cash's old baby furniture since he doesn't use it now. So we won't have to buy more and assmeble it. 3. Picking out a gender neutral nursery is HARD! Everything is so ugly. I do think I found the theme though. It's more like colors than a theme. 4. I have almost every piece of baby equipment from Cash left over. Barely used and all gender neutral: swing, bouncer, walker, jumper, play center, Rock N Play, carrier, play pen, high chair. There are only a few things will will need: double stroller, monitor, basninet, changing table and a diaper genie. My sisters insist on giving me a baby shower. I don't want one because I don't think I'll get the stuff I really need anyway. Plus gender neutral clothes are dumb. 5. We are broke! So hard to make ends meet these days. This go around we don't have a fat savings like we did with Cash. I won't have enough paid time off from work (again) and I haven't decided if I'll go back when my PTO runs out or if we will but bills on credit cards. Who knows... On to how this pregnancy is exactally the same: Morning sickeness (ALL day), headaches, bad back and hip pains. So far everything is the same. This time I don't have to fret about labor and delivery. No labor for me. Prescheduled C-section, I know I'm getting an epidural and I will know his/her birthday exactally. I also and going for a very detailed sonogram with a maternal fetal medicene doctor to check for any problems with baby's development. Hopefully this will save us some worry. I also am sad I don't look pregnant. They say with the 2nd you "pop" sooner and I do think I'm getting bigger sooner I just look fatter and not pregnant. Same as with Cash. I do know one thing for sure I hope this baby is as smart, shy, sweet, beautiful and perfect like my Cashy.

Baby #2

I know I never posted anything about baby #2 so here goes. COMPLETE surprise. OVERWHELMING suprise. GIFT FROM GOD surprise. At a time in our marraige where we were completely overhwelmed and struggling emotionally and financially God gave us the gift of life. I was never so conflicted in my life. Scared beyond belief at how we are going to support another baby when we can barely support our family now. Concerned at how this was going to change our marraige even further. Guilt set in at how can I love another child like I do Cash. Now to spread finances between two children and I may not be able to give Cash everything I didn't have when I was a child. I felt like I was spinning out of control. I couldn't be happy for myself. Worry consumed me. I told a few people and they were so excited. I thought, "how can other people be so excited when I am not?". Consumed with the worry of another pregancy. The normal stressors of a new pregancy, misscarraige, still birth, birth defects and everything else that could go bad. I also worried about my weight. But God always has a plan and I prayed and prayed and prayed. The turning point for me was about 12 weeks when I went in for my monthly check and the NP couldn't doppler a heartbeat. Scared the crap out of me because this never happened with Cash. The feeling of saddness and worry flooded my brain. They send me in for and ultrasound. I was alone because Cash was asleep in the car with P. I didn't expect a sono so I told him to stay in the car. A few minutes later she had me in for an ultrasound and there it was a heartbeat. I was relieved beyond belief. At that point I said no more bad feelings or animosity towards this gift of life growing inside of me. I allowed myself to be excited. Here we are at 17 weeks. Heart rate was 160 which my OB said olds wives tales says girl. Well, we shall wait and see. This time we will not find out the gender. We are not even sharing names we have picked out. This journey I started in April 2010 is not over yet. I just never thought it would continue with a brother or sister for my sweet Cash! FYI-I suffer from PCOS which stands for polycystic ovarian syndrome. I went on birth control pills when I was 18. I gained about 40 pounds after that. I blamed it on the birth control pills. When I got married in 2005 I went off the pill in hopes to start a family. It didn't happen. In 2007 I was having a lot of pain and was diagnosed with PCOS. I was put on metformin ( a pill to regulate your blood sugars and in turn your hormone levels) in hopes to get pregnant. I had a lot of side effects and didn't get pregnant so I went off metformin. I had the cysts removed surgically in 2008 and still wasn't able to get pregnant. P and I had come to terms with not having children. I am a firm believer in if it's meant to be it will happen. It just wasn't meant to be for us. In 2010 I was going to have the lap band done. For insurance I was required to go on a doctor monitored diet. I lost 16 pounds. The day before my last doctors appointment I found out I was pregnant. Fast forward to January 2013 I lost 8 pounds in 2 months doing Weight Watchers and then I find out I'm pregnant. The moral of my story, a girl who never thought she would have kids due to PCOS, is LOOSE WEIGHT. Weight gain precipitates the development of PCOS and if you loose weight, for me as little as 8 pounds, you have a better chance of getting pregnant. No doctor ever told me that.

Toddler

Cash is a crazy man. Talking so good, repeating everything you say. Starting to say really funny things all on his own. Like the time I told him he stunk and asked if I could check his diaper. He repiled, No, I fart. Or the time he wrote all over himself and insisted they were tattoos. Funny stuff I tell you. His eating habits are crazy. Can't even sneak veggies in on him. He loves PB & J sandwiches, anything cheese, cupcakes, candy and cheetos. I've been supplementing with Pediasure and he seems to like it. Gives me a little reasureance on the vitamin level. Trying to convince him that he is going to be a big brother isn't working so well. He is clueless. He knows Mama has a baby in her belly but he doesn't really know what that means. Potty training is kinda hit or miss (haha). For about a month he pooped and peed in his potty everyday when his diaper was off. Recently not so much. He pooped on the kitchen floor today and pees everywhere all the time. Hard not to keep a diaper on him when he is marking every inch of the house several times an hour. I'd like to get him potty trained before the baby comes but I don't see that happening in give ro take 160 days. He has been spending a lot of time at his Granny and Papa's house. It's pretty much his favorite place and Papa is his favorite person. I'm so glad because I didn't know my dad's parents (don't even know their names) and my mothers parents I wasn't that close with. Cash's imagination is awesome and he loves to pretend. You have to guide him and give him ideas but he takes off on his own. He loves to line all the kitchen chairs up at the door and pretend they are a bus or train and give all his stuffed animals a ride. He won't sleep in his toddler bed for anything. We have tried everything. I think we are going to have to convert him to a full size bed and try that. Works out ok because his baby furniture can go to the new bambino anyway. He loves to cook with me. He uses a knife when he's beside me. He loves to taste things and say with the widest most suprised eyes, "I wike E" translated to "I like it". I'm going to have to change the name of the blog since baby #2 will be here roughly in October.

We've got a talker on our hands.

My lil man is really growing up! He says things that amaze me all the time. We were watching TV and he completed the jingle of the Farmers commercial. Right out of no where. Tripped me out! He like commercials, especially ones with animals in them. The other day he pointed to letters on a box and correctly identified "B" and "C". Doesn't know "A" but hey I couldn't believe it! I guess the $5 I spent on that Elmo app is really paying off. He is banging his head less. By less I mean he will only hit it one time now instead of 20. I think he has permanant bump on his head. I hope it doesn't hang around and he grows out of this very soon. He doesn't want to sleep in his crib and cries EVERY night. Most of the time he will sit and play (I love watching him play on the monitor) the start nodding off and finally he will lay down. It's pretty funny. I'm still contemplating putting him in a Mothers Day Out program at the local church. He enjoys playing with kids so much. I'll reevaluate in the summer though because there are too many sicknessess going on at the moment! He is currently on antibiotics for a sinus infection. In 16 days my booger will be 2. I can hardly believe it. His party is trains. One of his favorite things. I plan on going all out for every single on of his birthdays FYI. I don't care if he will remember or not. I his invitations and party decorations are all handmade from Etsy. The invitations were $4 each but totally worth it in my eyes. I'll post pictures when I get everything in!

Here we go again.

I blame it all on my sister Lil K. I just had to treat P to a little birthday "somethin somethin". Who knew that exact day I was ovulating? The next day I was spotting which I chalked up to the beginning of my period. The next day the sickness started and for the next two weeks, sickness and nausea. The same symptoms I had when I was pregnant with Cash. Three pregnancy tests confirm, I am pregnant again. Loosing weight has done it again! Weight Watchers brought me down 8 whole pounds. Apparently, 8 less pounds is enough to help you get pregnant.

Total shock has turned into panic. They say with your second you have the "been there, done that" mentality but I don't. First, I am about 15 pounds heavier than before I had Cash. I am consumed with the fear of miscarriage. I know I did the same thing with Cash but I'm still scared. I feel like I had the perfect pregnancy with Cash and this time I'm testing fate. I pray and pray and pray. I pray for my trust in God to be strengthened and that I realize he has a plan for me and my family. I pray my fears go away and that He will never give me more than I can handle. I think I will feel better once I have my first doctors appointment and see the tiny blip on the screen. For those reading this pray for me. Pray for a healthy pregnancy and baby, that my worrying and fear stop and pray that I can trust him.

List of words

airp-airplane sta-star ooon-moon boon-balloon moo-says the cow choo choo honk ite-light noooo ess-yes papa mommy daddy babe peeese-please an ew-thank you backpack-(when he sees Dora) peepee yay kinkle kinkle kinkle-singing Twinkle Twinkle little star un ew ee- one, two, three