Unanswered Prayers

We went to visit P's parents today. I was in the mood for Garth Brooks on the long drive over. Unanswered Prayers is one of my favorite songs by him. The song is basically about how a guy was so in love with a girl when he was younger. He prayed that God would give him this girl and if he did he would never ask for anything ever again (how many times have you said that?). He wanted to be with this girl so bad but God didn't answer his prayers. Years later he sees this woman and he started to think how if God has answered his prayers he would never have met and married his wife and had the life he has now and he was very thankful for this unanswered prayer.

It got me thinking about a few prayers of my own that I am glad went unanswered. At the time you think it is the worst thing ever to happen to you but come to realize later in life that it was all in God's plan. One line from the song is "I guess the Lord knows what he's doin' after all".

Almost 3 years ago when I was burned out at my job I applied for a position in the OR in my hospital. At the time I thought I wanted to work there so bad but in reality I wanted to work anywhere but where I was working. I don't know what I was thinking. I would have had to re-sign a 2 year commitmant and that was after I completed a 9 month internship. I prayed that I would get the job. A week or so later I was told I didn't get the job and I cried and cried. If I would have gotten the job I wouldn't have gotten the job in PACU and then wouldn't have been transferred to PACU in our sister hospital. God had a better plan for me and he knew the OR wasn't where I needed to be. Being transferred broke my heart and I cried about that too, but something really good came from that. My new boss is way more flexible and understanding about things. Without her I wouldn't have been able to take off so much when I was pregnant, gotten the easiest job when I couldn't physically do my normal job and I can pretty much work when I want when I go back after my maternity leave.

Another time I remember praying so hard was when I was with my first love CO when I was 17. I was so in love with him it was insane. He was a little younger than me but he talked about marriage in the future and that made me love him even more. Then one day he broke up with me and broke my heart. I prayed so hard that he would change his mind, but he didn't. If God had answered that prayer I would have never met P and had our precious baby C. That is one prayer that I'm glad he didn't answer.

Here is the chorus:

"Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers"

What I miss and what I don't.

I miss being pregnant :( But not EVERY part of it.

What I miss about being pregnant:
Feeling and seeing my baby move inside of me.
Seeing my belly grow every week.
Getting people to do stuff for me ;)
Feeling beautiful and people telling me how pretty I looked.
Not feeling fat, feeling pregnant.
Wearing comfy, stretchy pants all the time.
Eating whatever I wanted as often as I wanted.
The pregnancy glow which gives you the best complexion ever!
Not having to shave my legs because I couldn't reach them!
Rubbing my big belly.

What I don't miss about being pregnant:
peeing ALL THE TIME and only little bits at a time. It feels good to pee every few hours and feel relief after I pee.
Not being able to bend over.
Not being out of breath all the time just walking short distances.
Heartburn! And not having to take Tums several times a day without much relief.
Weekly doctors appointments.
Not being able to put underwear, socks or pants on easily.
Not being able to drink caffiene or eat hot dogs/lunch meat/seafood.
Not gagging everytime I brush my teeth.
Bloody noses.
Hormone headaches.
Morning sickness.
Back and hip pain.

And the thing I don't miss about being pregnant-not having him inside me but outside for me to hold and kiss! The wondering and worrying part was the worst!

It's been a while...

Lots has happened since my last post. C has an appointment with the pediatric cardiologist. The gave him an EKG, took his blood pressure, heart rate & oxygen level. Then they gave him an trans thoracic echocardiogram (TTE). It's a sonogram of his heart to see what is causing his heart murmur. They found 3 holes in his heart. There were 2 small ones and 1 medium one. The good news is they should all heal on their own. We have to follow up in 3 months to make sure they are healing. I'm still scared though because what if they don't heal and he has to have surgery? I don't want that for my precious baby boy. I hate to let him cry too long because I don't want his blood pressure and heart rate to get high and stress his little heart out even more.

We had newborn pictures a few weeks ago. They came out amazing! They were really expensive but worth it, Our families may be a little upset that we aren't getting ant for them but oh well. I mean c'mon, a 4x6 is $45. Would you buy extra pictures for your family?

I'm done breastfeeding. I gave up. Partly cause it was so time consuming and partly because I'm lazy. I gave in and didn't work hard enough to re-train him to take my nipple. So, since he wouldn"t take my nipple I had to use a special shield and when he would switch breast he would get so mad and knock that shield off everytime. So, mostly I was pumping every hour and it would take me 2 hours to get 3oz. Well, he eats 3 every 2 hours. If P wasn't here it was impossible. Plus trying to find time to eat and pee! It was just too much. Hopefully he got a lot of benefits from 3 weeks of breastmilk.

C is growing like a weed. He is the most beautiful thing on this planet. I can sit and stare at him for hours. When he's awake I give him kisses and he lets me as long as I want. He has got the sweetest kissy lips. I especially love when he smiles in his sleep. He has THE softest little feet ever. He peed on me the other day when I changed his diaper. He pees all the time when I'm changing his diaper. It's funny, he will get real quiet then I look over and see this fountain spraying in the air. It cracks me up!

Now, if we could only get him to sleep in his playpen instead of only with us or in my arms. I will be glad when we can go all night without having to get up to feed and change him. All in good time...

Spoiled in 10 days?

C has his days and nights mixed up. During the day he sleeps so soundly and deep. I clean house, bang around and the dogs bark and he doesn't budge. At night he his hungry almost every hour and cries and wiggles and moves. He has been sleeping with us for the past week since we have been home from the hospital since it has been so cold. This is dangerous cause we could roll over on him or the blankets could cover his face. I tried to put him in the play pen to sleep last night. He wasn't having it and mommy didn't like it either. He would doze off and I would put him in the playpen and he would immediately wake up and cry. I would pick him up and he would stop. I don't know why he doesn't like that thing. I didn't want to put him in it either but I know it is better if he sleeps in it. When he sleeps with us I sleep with him on my arm and when he cries or moves I can wake up and get whatever he needs. I can also just open my eyes and check on him. It scared me that he wasn't going to be right next to me. I was so sad too because I know one day he won't want to sleep with us and I want to savor every moment of him being this little. P couldn't believe I was crying. We have another pediatrican visit on Tuesday and the doctor said she is going to give us a plan to make him sleep during the night. I can't wait for that. I mean I don't know how I'm going to do it when P goes back to work in a week. He really helps a lot. I guess if he doesn't adjust to the new schedule quickly I will sleep during the day when he sleeps and P can do chores when he gets home from work.

Update on the breastfeeding:
I'm still frustrated at pumping somewhat. I have only been able to pump and average of about 1oz every 2 hours. I'm trying to go with the flow and give him as much breast milk as I can. We have pretty much only been giving him formula at night and I'm not getting up to pump anymore. I was doing research on how breastmilk boosts a baby's immune system (the main reason I'm doing it) and it says the antibodies I am passing to him are steadily decreasing and by 3 months it's almost nothing and his immune system starts to take over. So, my new goal is to breastfeed him until he is 3 months old which is when I go back to work. I will still pump and give him some breastmilk but not as much as I am now. I think that is a pretty good goal. I have been trying to give him my nipple and he tries it but flat out refuses.

So the moral of the story is C is already spoiled. He likes to sleep with mommy so he sleeps with mommy. He doesn't want my nipple he gets the bottle. Oh well he is worth it and deserves it.

Breastfeeding Blues

I'm having issues with breastfeeding and I blame it on the hospital. About 2 hours after C was born they brought him to me and I breastfed. He latched on and did very well. I did both breasts but only for a few minutes each. I had no idea how long I was supposed to feed him. The NICU nurse was like, "boys will suck you dry if you let them". I just think she was in a hurry to get him back to NICU because it was shift change. The lactation nurse later told me they should have let him eat as long as he wanted and this is probobly why his blood sugars dipped way low a few hours later. Due to his blood sugars being low we had to formula feed him for 24 hours. He got used to a bottle nipple and had a hard time wanting my nipple after that. The lactation nurse gave me a nipple shield to use. It is a silicone thingy that goes over my nipple but has a hard nipple thing that is similar to a bottle. So it makes my nipple into a bottle nipple. Using this allows C to get my milk straight from my breast. The down fall is that he won't eat breastmilk without this shield. It also causes him to suck in a lot of air and he gets miserable a few times a day and cries and cries. It breaks my heart. I decided to pump my milk since essentially he isn't eating from my nipple anyway and it is tiresome at night. I had a hand pump to express my milk but it took so long to get 2 oz of milk out. He eats every 1-4 hours so it is hard to pump because he is always eating. Pumping with the hand pump just takes to long. I usually only can pump one bottle a day. Today I got a top of the line $250(on sale) electric double breast pump and was SO disappointed. It gave me 2 oz in 15 minutes of pumping and THAT WAS IT. How am I ever going to catch up so that he is only eating pumped bottles? I was literally in tears because it is so frustrating. P felt so bad for me. I want C to have breast milk so bad and I feel like I just want to give up. I think I was crying because I feel like I am failing C if he has to drink formula. There is nothing wrong with formula; I mean nobody I know was breastfed. It's just that it is so much better for him and I want to do the best that I can possibly do for my son. He deserves only the best. I hope it gets better.

The story of Cash's Birth

Since, C is asleep I thought I would write his story so that I don't forget.

January 26, 2011
I was a nervous wreck all day. P and I had dinner at Outback and talked about how things were going to change from this moment on. We talked about how this would be our last "date" for a long time. We were ok with that. We were so ready to meet our baby. I ate way too much knowing I wouldn't be allowed to eat while I was in labor.

We arrived at the hospital at 8:15 for my induction. I was told that I was almost called and told to stay home due to the fact that there were so many women in labor. I was chosen over another woman because I was past my due date. They said that the other lady was very upset. I was glad I was chosen. The nurses, Melinda and Edna put me in a hospital gown, started my IV, drew blood, asked me questions and went over how things would go, and hooked me up to fetal monitoring. They were both very nice. I especially loved Melinda because she treated me like a nurse and didn't act like she was better than me. She checked on me the next night. They had a hard time getting C's heartbeat cause he kept moving around. About 10pm I was given a medicene called Cytotec intra vaginally. I had never heard of this medicene before and was kinda nervous about it. The bad thing about it was I had to stay in bed for 2 hours so that the medicene wouldn't come out. They had me hooked up to IV fluids so I literally had to pee every 10-20 minutes, on a bed pan, and it wasn't fun for me or P. He was so awesome though. He hardly complained and even wiped me. The bed was very uncomfortable and it was hard to get into a good postion. Everytime I turned we would loose his heartbeat and I would do my best to find it again.

January 27, 2011
At around 1am the contractions started. They were light, like mild menstrual cramps. I was trying to sleep but I was listening to his heartbeat on the monitor the whole time. Once I heard it slow down and speed back up but I thought it was from him moving away from the monitor. Then he did it again. Three nurses rushed into my room, put oxygen on me and had me turn onmy right side. One nurse checked my cervix and I was dilated to a 2. They told me that I had to stay in bed longer until his heartbeat stabilized. She called and told Dr. D. She thought I might be having contractions one right after another. Then I had to poop, on the bed pain. NOT FUN. P almost puked. I finally got tired of so much peeing and asked for a catheter. I got one and as soon as the nurse walked out I felt the sudden urge to pee. Being a nurse and knowing that the catheter makes you feel like you need to pee, I pushed and thought I had peed on myself. I asked P to wipe me and it was bloody. We called the nurse and she said my water broke. Melinda said that the possibly taking the pressure off my bladder allowed him to move down and my water broke. I was so happy but listening to the monitor at his heartbeat the whole time and I was worried. I knew something wasn't right. She called Dr. D and told her. I was still only dilated to a 2. I was having more intense contractions now and didn't want IV pain medicene but Melinda said that it could possbilbly slow down my contractions and make it easier on the baby. i took it, felt drunk but felt a lot better. Around 2am the contractions were getting worse but I could handle them. Melinda said I could have my epidural whenever I wanted it so I asked for it. Around 2:30 the CRNA came in, asked me questions and I sat up to get my edpidural. I could feel my back "crunching" as he got into the space. I was shaking uncontrollably due to adrenaline hormones that were going through my body. He kept telling me, "chin down, back out more". It seemed like forever for him to get it in. Then suddenly when he was done I got the most painful intense migraine ever, started sweating and nauseated. I tried to lay down at their request but each time I tried the head ache flared like crazy. It was very scary. I finally layed down and felt better. My legs were going numb and felt very warm. It was a relaxing feeling and I felt better. I was going to try to sleep now. We waited and his heartbeat dropped two more times. Melinda called Dr D. Around 3 am Melinda placed a heartbeat monitoring device and on C's head to monitor him and gave me a shot in my arm to try to slow down my contractions. About 3:45 Dr. D came in and put a monitor inside me to measure my contractions. She told me she saw meconium (baby poop). Being a nurse I knew this wasn't good and meant that C was in distress. She said she was going out to check my strips from the monitoring devices and come back. I knew I was going to have a c-section when she told me she saw meconium. She came back in and said "I think we should do a c-section". Without hesitation I said, "let's do it". Immediatley, without hesitation Dr. D unplugged my monitors and the bed and pushed me with Melinda's help right into the OR. Within minutes they were cutting me open. They didn't even count insturments due to the emergent need to get C out. I was very nervous for my baby. The CRNA gave me huge doses of the epidural to get me numb. I couldn't feel anything. Eventually I was numb allover, even my mouth. I could feel pressure and pulling when Dr. D was getting him out. P finally mad it in and sat next to me. Then Dr. D said, "double nuchal, no TRIPLE nuchal cord. That is why he was having decels". She told me his cord was wrapped around his neck 3 times. Each time I had a contraction my uterus would push him and sqeeze his cord tighter aroudn his neck, this is why his heart rate would fall. Then suddenlty she told me, he is out and they are having to bag him a little bit". (they were having to breathe for him since he wasn't breathing on this own when he came out). Then I freaked out. I said, "they are bagging him?" and then I heard him cry. It was a little relieft. He didn't cry long.

P took some pictures and the NICU nurses rolled C by so me and P could see him. He looked so big in his incubator. Then they rushed P out to meet me in recovery. They sewed me up and I got numb everywhere. I suddenly got nauseated and puked and then I couldn't breathe. I was panicking and crying at the same time. I was so scared. Dr. D said they were going to keep C in NICU for a couple of hours to monitor his breathing. I went to recovery and tried to sleep but was shaking so bad it was impossible. By then it was around 5. Eventually they brought C to me and I held him and breast fed him. He had the most amazing blonde hair and he was so beautiful. I was so glad that his breathing was better and he wasn't intubated. P came to recovery and held C also. He didn't stay long and they took him back to NICU. I was so relieved. Then his blood sugars began to fall due to the stress of labor and they were having to bottle feed him and monitor his sugars every 3 hours to make sure they weren't low. They told me that if his blood sugars didn't return to normal that he would have to go to NICU. The NICU at the hospital was full so that meant he would have to be transported to another hospital. I was so upset and prayed so hard that his sugars would return to normal. Within 24 hours they had. They were on the low side of normal and I had to wake him up every 2 hours and force him to eat so he didn't have to go to NICU.

C was born at 4:21 am on January 27th. He weighed 6pds 14 oz and was 20 3/4 inches long. It took them 5 minutes from the time they cut me to get him out.

I am thankful to my nurse Melinda who was watching my monitors and keeping Dr. D informed. I am thankful to Dr. D for coming in on a night she wasn't on call to deliver C and making the decision to have a c-section right away without delay. I am thankful to my amazing husband who had so much patience with me through out my labor. Thanks be to God who gave me a beautiful, healthy son despite the way he started his life.

Heaven

As I type (with one hand) my brand new baby boy is curled up next to me. We just gave him a bath so he smells like baby lotion which smells like heaven. There is no way I could ever describe the love I have for this human being. Thinking about it is literally making me cry. I can't sing "You are my Sunshine" to him without crying either. Sometimes when I take a nap, because life is nothing but a series of naps lately, I sob and thank God for my amazing husband and for making me a mommy. The love I have for them both is so overwhelming. It is so weird how tired me and P are but we never get cranky. We work together, take turns napping, have so much patience and never complain about anything except our dogs. I really am ready to get rid of these dogs, except T since he stays outside.

I have seen another side to P that has really amazed me. He does laundry, cooks and gets me anything I need. He is so patient and helpful all the time. He does the majority of the diaper changes since I do the majority of the feedings. He is what a man is supposed to be (I'm crying again). I really dread when he has to go back to work. The thought of that makes me sad.

So, back to cuddling with my sweet baby...